Identity Crisis

Well...The divorce is final. All the chocolate in the advent calendar has been eaten. And instead of being relieved, or even sad, I'm just kind of....lost.

I've always been "Erin Hawke". I'd say my name at the bank or for a mailing list or at school and people look up and go, "Oh, are you you Julie and David's daughter?" or "Hawke, as in John?" or "Oh yeah, Shannon's sister right?"

At times it was eye-roll worthy and embarrassing, but then there started to be a sense of pride surrounding it. People knew who I was, or at the very least, that I existed.

And then when I got married I was torn between changing my name or keeping my maiden name. I had always said I'd change it, just when it actually came time I felt like I was giving up part of myself. I decided to wait until after college graduation so I had 'my' name on my diploma, and then I'd change it.
Then I got a job right away and all my paperwork had been processed with my maiden name on it. So ok fine, I'll wait until I'm settled here before I do.
Then when we got pregnant I knew it had to be done. I wanted the same last name as my kids. I had been putting it off for two years.
I changed all my documents... I even sacrificed my red and white health card.

And two months later we broke up.

I felt disconnected from everything. I had this name on all these cards that didn't look like mine. I was growing a baby that I suddenly just wanted to run away from.

Eventually I perfected my new signature and didn't have to pause and think every time someone asked my name. Eventually I came to terms with it being "Toby's" last name and not "Luke's" last name.

Then a few weeks ago while initialing my time sheet at work I wrote 'EH' instead of 'ES'. I had closed the book and moved on before I thought to take a second look. My absent minded brain had written E H after years of not even thinking about it.

And now it comes down to the fact that I COULD change my name back.... but should I?

My reason for changing my name to begin with was mostly to have the same last name as my kids. But now if I were to get married and have another kid, it would be weird to keep my ex's name, but changing it would mean being different again.
I still have this strong desire for Toby and I to be the same... but now I also feel like I'm hanging on to something that isn't mine anymore. I'm living with my parents but don't really feel like I 'belong' to them...but now that things are official I also don't feel like I 'belong' with my in-laws either... I'm in this awkward limbo where I don't feel like either choice is better...

So what do I do?
Who do I be?
Where do I really go from here?

I'm not really sure yet...

Wordless Wednesday

Thankful: the non-ironic vrsion

Ok, so I wasn't going to to this but I guess I've been bitten by the holiday-spirit bug...

I'm thankful for having a little boy who loves music, art, food and yoga, as well as construction, tractors, bulldozers and excavators. This morning he woke up and shouted MOM! COME DO YOGA WITH ME!!

I'm thankful for "living in paradise" and my grandma puts it. Because I grew up here I take it for granted sometimes.

I'm thankful for having all 4 of my grandparents still.

I'm thankful for having a vehicle to use after my other one decided to be broken.

I'm thankful for social media websites because it's really the only way I feel like I keep in touch with anyone.

I'm thankful for pay-at-the pump gas stations. I'm convinced they were invented for single moms with sleeping babies.

I'm thankful for Value Village.

I'm thankful for sunshine.

I'm thankful to be living in Canada.

Thankful

Well, Happy Thanksgiving!
Our family was never one to sit around the dinner table and address what we're thankful for on Thanksgiving.  I've been to people's houses where they do that and I'm always at a loss for what to say.
I'm thankful for.................friends? Ice cream?? Anything I thought of sounded cliche and shallow.
So over the last few weeks I've been thinking of things to be thankful for that maybe we don't always consider...... kind of like the Positive Party posts I used to make... but not....you get it...


Be thankful for the guy driving eeeeeeeeexxxxxactlyyyyyyy the speed limit in front of you. They stopped you from getting a ticket from the police car waiting on the other side of the hill.

Be thankful for rainy days. There are only so many days in the year that pajamas, crafts, baking and movies are 100% appropriate.

Be thankful for nursing babies (and toddlers). They remind us that sometimes we need to just...sit.

Be thankful for the people who criticize you. Sometimes we need a wake-up call.

Be thankful for power outages. They get you to...you know.. talk to people. Like in person.

Be thankful for breakups. Opportunities can be seized that otherwise would not have come along.

Happy Turkey everyone!
Find some ironic things to be thankful for.....post them in the comments if you like!

A Boys Clothes Rant

A rant on children's clothes:

Toby is out of long sleeved shirts that fit him. He has three turtlenecks and another shirt that he will grow out of in a few months. I thought I was ahead of the game by buying long sleeved shirts on sale last year, but apparently the sleeves are like 2 millimeters too long and thus Toby refuses to wear them, even though he wore them last year.
So it's not as though he needs a new wardrobe, but it's in the back of my mind to check out long sleeved shirts whenever we're around kids clothes.

Stop #1 was Zellers because it's closing and everything was on crazy-sale. All they had left was the obnoxiously graphic emblazoned plastic-like shirts that I avoided buying anyway.
Stop #2 was Joe in Zhers, because I love everything they have. However, of the 4 styles they had that would actually fit Toby, only one seemed suitable enough to consider buying.
Stop #3 was Wal-Mart. I try to avoid Wally World, but you have to admit... they have everything...Everything that is except a suitable long sleeved boys shirt.

I loved boys baby clothes. I loved the brown and blue and green in simple stripes and minimal graphics. It brought some ease for my pining away for a girl, because aside from the adorable sundresses, I actually liked the boys clothed better.
Toddler clothes were pretty good too. Joe, Zellers, and Wal-Mart all had incredibly reasonably priced clothes that I (and Toby, which is saying something) loved.
Last winter I began to realize that I wouldn't be able to shop in the toddler section for long.
This winter I am now realizing how much I hate boys clothes.

What I find most annoying is that every single shirt for ages 4 and up has obnoxious slogans, full-length graphics or is made out of terrible material.
Even as we found ourselves in Bonnie Togs today I smiled at the Halloween shirts up front, before realizing they were all girl cut....and then saw the boys rack which was full of grotesque pictures of goblins and skeletons. Why cant boys have a shirt like the girls with just two cats eyes on the front? Not completely terrifying enough??
Even in the boys section i was hard pressed to find anything I'd actually buy. "Here comes Trouble!" "Loud, Louder, LOUDEST" "Mommy's little Monster".....And we wonder why boys are stereotypicaly harder to control?? Giant growling dinosaurs, angry fire breathing dragons, ATVs kicking up mud, race cars spinning their tires to be "First to the Finish"....
Toby stood in front of one rack for a while before asking "Mom, why is that guy putting everything on fire?" I said that I guess that's just what some dragons do.....it's pretty silly, eh. He said it was kind of mean.

On one hand I get that the fashion industry had this kind of code of 'What's Hot and What's Not' for each season...but the fashion industry also had the ability to push an image and make it sell.
What kind of boys are we breeding by pushing scary, fast, obnoxious things in their faces as soon as they're able to form a sentence? How hard is it to just include one plain striped shirt in your line? What about a hyper graphic tree design? I've seen some great ones on adult t-shirts that still look 'manly'. What about real animals like bears, owls, turtles or foxes?
In contrast, the girls clothing at this age DOES seem to include basic stripes and plains, but the graphics are lazy cats, make-up clad cartoon 'dolls', and sassy slogans like "So Spoiled" "Daddy's little Princess" and "So Cute It's Scary". What is THAT teaching our girls??

Maybe I'm just the odd duck out. There does indeed exist tree patterned tees and earthy toned striped, but they usually are made by pricey organic companies that I'd most likely have to buy from online.
As much as I would LOVE to support those small businesses, I don't have the means, and neither do many many others.

I just think that in a world of growing peace and equality, that at least ONE line of clothing should be easily available that doesn't promote hate, winning, or laziness. My fear is that even if there were more "bland" shirt available, it's the parent who is the one going "Don't get the sissy tree one....HEEYY LOOK AT THIS SICK DIRT BIKE!!"

Boys will be what you shape them to be. Complaining they're hard to handle, lack focus and literacy, or aren't 'gentle' like girls (and I know a few moms who will laugh heartily at that stereotype), is all lead back to YOU and how YOU allow them to be perceived. Clothing is an enormous part of how humans shape their identity...I just wish the children's clothing industry took that into account past the age of three...

And Then It Hits You...

I know that through this break-up/single mom business I've been lucky. I've said it before. But it still sucks. It sucks a lot because it's not what I want. This is not where I planned to be at this point in my life. I spend a lot of time regretting the things I could be doing right now.

And then today a woman came in the store and started quietly looking around for a long...long time. I asked if she needed a hand and she shook her head, gently moving the wires from the ear buds the had in. Ooooook fine, I'll go back to doing other stuff.
She'd carry something all the way around the store then put it back and carry something else around the store. I wasn't really 'watching' her for shoplifting, but it was also starting to get awkward. She finally put a couple things on the counter and asked me to hold them for a second while she looked for something for her son. I said sure. She said it was her daughter's birthday, but she wanted something small for her 3 year old because he wouldn't understand-" and I chuckled a bit, and then she finished with "-that it's probably the last time I'll see them."
I regretted laughing. Usually people finish that sentence with an eye roll and a shrug about how they need something so its fair to the little one too.
She walked across the store and I re-directed her to toys I knew Toby would like. She picked one of them.
She said she was sorry for muttering about how expensive everything is, but for a single mom it is. I said I was a single mom too, and yes toys are generally expensive.
She softened a bit after that and asked what kind of things Toby was into. She asked if I liked working here. She asked if Toby liked coming in here.
She told me briefly of the problems she's having with the dad.
She told her her kids are in foster care and she's still fighting for them, but it's probably the last time she'll see them.
I gift wrapped her purchases and wished her luck.
She left and I went to go back to typing and realized how much my hands were shaking. The tears followed shortly after. Well crap, I still have to have the store open for another hour, pull it together.

I know I'm lucky... but... I'm Lucky.

Luke, I know you'll never read this, but thank you for being understanding and 'kind' throughout this.
Sabrina, Thank you for not being completely crazy, and for eventually realizing that I'm not crazy either.
Jeff and Sarah, thank you for being a giant ear to my many ramblings. And honestly if not for all this we still probably would not be talking much.
My parents, thank you for allowing there to be a roof over our heads and food in the fridge.
The rest of my family and friends, in-laws included, thank you for being nothing but supportive and generous for the last 4 years.
And Toby, thank you for all of your hugs and kisses and good morning 'I love yous', and for trying to be one of the best kids I've ever met.

What Do You Stand For?

I've had the song Some Nights by Fun. stuck in my head all week. My sister's had it stuck in her head for months. Hence why it's probably stuck in my head now. Cause she made me start listening to it.
If you haven't heard: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQkBeOisNM0&feature=branded

Anyway, song lyrics don't usually get under my skin and stay there...I've had a few songs 'wake me up', so to speak, in the past... But there's one line in the song where he shouts "What do I stand for?" and when you're singing along as passionately as he's performing, you start to ask yourself that question:

What DO I stand for?...

It's easy enough to pump your fist in the air and say "Save the Whales!", but is that REALLY what YOU stand for?
In a room of a thousand judging eyes, what would you unabashedly stand up to support?

I stand up for anti-smoking. I think it's the worst thing a human can do to themselves. Slow and painful suicide.
I stand up for breastfeeding education and awareness. People are free to have their opinions, as long as you are well educated on both sides of the platform. Breastfeeding in public is no different than someone pulling out a bottle to give to a crying child, if you have been educated enough to not see something perverse.
I stand up for books. Old books, new books....Red books, blue books. Reading books to your child from a young age gets them to understand language at an earlier age and encourages a love and success of reading, which in turn makes it easier to cope with school, and enjoy it.
I stand up for food. Good food. Market vegetables and local meat. Farmers feed cities, and all to often they don't get the credit they deserve.
I stand up for marriage equality. Just... seriously, why is it even an issue? Nobody asked YOU to marry someone of the same sex...
I stand up for respect. Respect for people's feelings. Respect for public property. Respect for elders. Respect for children.
I stand up for art. Art does more to focus the mind of a child than most people give credit for. Art is therapy. Art is joy. Art is learning. Art is playing. Art is thought provoking. Art is essential.
I stand up for enlarged recycling programs. On a warming planet with depleting supplies, finding new ways to re-use our waste is essential.

What do you stand up for?