How to lose 5 Pounds Fast!!!

It's So Easy!!!

#1: Get yourself a big old head cold/flu! Preferably one that includes a fever (though none of that throwing up grossness). Frequent coughing fits, nose blowings and headaches are a must.

#2: Skip those sugary holiday treats!! (or avoid the parties all together since no one will want you there now anyway)

#3: 'Feel the Burn' - The fever burn, that is.

#4: Cardio workout - Simply coughing or rolling over in bed will send your fevered heart into a frenzy. Easiest workout ever, am I right??!!!!

#5: Dine only on thin broth and easily digestible foods like rice and soup noodles. Move it on through!!

#6: Have fun with it!! Create games for yourself like 'How many spoonfulls of soup can I eat before the steam makes my nose drip?' and 'How many breaths can I take before I have another coughing fit?'

#7: Continue to sleep a lot and not eat. Your body will thank you later!!!

Still don't believe me?? Check out these amazing results*!!!!!!!

*Some results may vary. Side effects may include headache, nausea, fatigue, inability to stand, frequent urination, sweating, whacked out menstrual cycle, no desire to be a parent, household kleenex shortage, misery, whining, delirium, burning sensation in nasal cavity, sensitivity to light, dislike for life, strong aversion to the smell of poop, strong desire to sleep in a hot basin of water. 

The Sick

For some reason I thought it would be a good idea to write a blog about The Sick, but now that I'm here i"m realizing that very little of my brain is un-mucusified and thus I don't feel as though I have anything intelligent to say and am now rambling in some sort of stream of conciousness no doubt brough on my my ever growning fever (for the second time in two days.)
so...


A LLAMA

Photocred to whoever took it...

Also, did you know that Llamas and Lamas are two very different things?? Learned that in the book i'm reading...

Happy Solstice

Why I celebrate Winter Solstice:

Ok, so maybe 'celebrate' is a loose term...maybe consciously recognize is better...

I decided when I was pregnant that Solstice was going to be our celebration day because Christmas Eve, Christmas day and Boxing day we're already covered by other parts of the family. In my head, we'd be living in our own house, have our own celebration and presents then, and then celebrate with the rest of the family later.
Since that 'living in my own house' thing hasn't worked out, we just do presents on Christmas day with everyone here and a big dinner that night, but I still like to recognize the Solstice.

Winter Solstice is the shortest day of the year, meaning that every day after that until Summertime just gets longer and sunnier.
Winter Solstice has long been thought of as the time of the last time for Autumn feasting before the cold days of hunger ahead. It was the time when the livestock was slaughtered so they didn't have to be kept fed in the winter, and therefore it was the only time of year when fresh meat was available. Wine and mead that had been fermenting from the summer and autumn harvests was now ready to drink. Firewood was cut and stored to keep everyone warm against the winter winds.
What better time for a party?

For me, Winter Solstice is about thanking the Earth for a good growing year and enjoying what she has to offer. It's about the celebration of daylight as the Earth begins it's new year around the Sun. It's about family, food, warmth and love.
And this particular Solstice marks the end of the Mayan calendar, which obviously didn't end in the apocalypse, but does mark the end of an era. The 'old ways' are behind us and new and better things are hopefully on the horizon.

Happy Solstice, Merry Yule.

Like it, Love it.

In contrast to the last post, Things that we love right now:

Books:
I Love You the Purplest - Barbara M. Joosse
Stars - Mary Lyn Ray
The Elephant's Airplane and Other Machines - Anne-Marie Dalmais
The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore - William Joyce

Music:
Jingle Bells
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
Real Gone - Sheryl Crow
Somebody That I Used To Know - Gotye
Fred Penner's 'The Season' album

Tv/movies:
Mighty Machines
Bear in the Big Blue House
Winnie The Pooh
Cars

Toys:
Playmobil tractor
Trucks...all of them...(front end loader, dump truck, excavator)
Duplo bricks (not so much the people)
Crane
Little cars (for crane to lift)
Wooden puzzle blocks

Food:
Pasta
all-beef hot dogs
Pomegranate
Pineapple
Gingerbread cookies
Goat cheese
Toast

Places:
Orillia Library
Springwater Park (though it's too cold for that now)
Any playground....anywhere
Home

Just Blah

Feeling crappy is just crappy.

You may remember This post from last year about the anxiety attack I had before Toby's dental work.

Following that I've had chest pains off and on throughout the year, ranging anywhere from dull discomfort to, again, feeling like a heart attack.

Recently I've been having a series of tests done to figure out what's wrong. So far all the tests are 'normal', but I have a much higher than normal heart rate and possible 'pericarditis', which is an inflammation in the lining of the heart. Nothing is 100% and I still have to go back for follow ups, but that's where it's at right now. I'm on medication to thin my blood and slow my heart down, which is just making me feel more lazy and sluggish and not really taking the pain away.

And being in pain and being anxious and being unsure and being tired has just made me grumpy. And I"m starting to notice it come out in Toby, and I just feel even worse about it.
We go through phases where everything is fine and then there's a few weeks where I just feel like everything I say is criticism.
He gets out of bed in the morning and tells me to get up, and I say yep just a minute, and he yells 'no now!' and I say that he doesn't need to shout, and he says yes he does, and I say that he is welcome to get up and I will when my eyes wake up, and he pulls my blankets off, and i pull them back on and ask him to leave and then he throws a fit and I can feel my heart rate skyrocket.
I feel like I'm always asking him to play quietly or leave me alone for just 'one more minute' or not go bug grampa or not throw toys in the house...and then I think he's probably acting up because I'm not really paying attention to him....and then I think maybe he's just being '4'.

Everything builds up and keeps feeding off each other... Toby's anxiety makes me unsettled, which makes him more upset, which makes me more upset, which makes everyone else in the house upset, which makes me feel guilty for not 'doing my job', which makes me more frantic, which makes Toby act out, and makes me just want time to myself.
I've caught myself saying things like "All the yelling is what's making mommy's chest hurt" or "Listening to the whining is making me sicker, not better", which is maybe part true, but it's also melodramatic. As soon as I say it I feel like it's a step away from "Go away I dont want you", and then the guilt cycle begins again.

I realize I'm babbling and complaining, but I guess that's why I have a blog, right? Who better to complain to than myself/the internet.

I'm still at this 'lost' point where I feel like I need to be moving forward but I'm just sitting still. I can't plan for the future because what I want to happen and what I know will probably happen are two different things. I"m trying to enjoy the 'now' but there's this frantic feeling in my chest that just won't go away. Trying to do things I want with a 4 year old holding me back is frustrating.... and most of the time I love doing stuff with him... he loves grocery shopping, we go to the mall and downtown and out for lunch and do crafts.... but it's the incessant whining at home that just wears away at me. I wish I could just sit and listen and play with him all day, but it seemed easier when he was younger and I didn't have a taste of 'freedom'.
And the easy, obvious answer is to just send him to day care, or start him in school, but I know what the fall-out would be at this point, and I'm not willing to deal with the tantrums and the moods and the hating school because he's not emotionally ready.

I just want to be able to relax with him. I just want food-making and dish-washing to be instantaneous so I dont have to try to ditch him for an hour to make food for him. He gets so happy and excited about games that he wants to play and I just have zero energy to give in. I hate struggling to breathe and be awake and play and be as joyful as he is. And I hate the anxiety and the screaming and tantrums that inevitably follow.
Just... blah...

Identity Crisis

Well...The divorce is final. All the chocolate in the advent calendar has been eaten. And instead of being relieved, or even sad, I'm just kind of....lost.

I've always been "Erin Hawke". I'd say my name at the bank or for a mailing list or at school and people look up and go, "Oh, are you you Julie and David's daughter?" or "Hawke, as in John?" or "Oh yeah, Shannon's sister right?"

At times it was eye-roll worthy and embarrassing, but then there started to be a sense of pride surrounding it. People knew who I was, or at the very least, that I existed.

And then when I got married I was torn between changing my name or keeping my maiden name. I had always said I'd change it, just when it actually came time I felt like I was giving up part of myself. I decided to wait until after college graduation so I had 'my' name on my diploma, and then I'd change it.
Then I got a job right away and all my paperwork had been processed with my maiden name on it. So ok fine, I'll wait until I'm settled here before I do.
Then when we got pregnant I knew it had to be done. I wanted the same last name as my kids. I had been putting it off for two years.
I changed all my documents... I even sacrificed my red and white health card.

And two months later we broke up.

I felt disconnected from everything. I had this name on all these cards that didn't look like mine. I was growing a baby that I suddenly just wanted to run away from.

Eventually I perfected my new signature and didn't have to pause and think every time someone asked my name. Eventually I came to terms with it being "Toby's" last name and not "Luke's" last name.

Then a few weeks ago while initialing my time sheet at work I wrote 'EH' instead of 'ES'. I had closed the book and moved on before I thought to take a second look. My absent minded brain had written E H after years of not even thinking about it.

And now it comes down to the fact that I COULD change my name back.... but should I?

My reason for changing my name to begin with was mostly to have the same last name as my kids. But now if I were to get married and have another kid, it would be weird to keep my ex's name, but changing it would mean being different again.
I still have this strong desire for Toby and I to be the same... but now I also feel like I'm hanging on to something that isn't mine anymore. I'm living with my parents but don't really feel like I 'belong' to them...but now that things are official I also don't feel like I 'belong' with my in-laws either... I'm in this awkward limbo where I don't feel like either choice is better...

So what do I do?
Who do I be?
Where do I really go from here?

I'm not really sure yet...

Wordless Wednesday