Happy Solstice

Why I celebrate Winter Solstice:

Ok, so maybe 'celebrate' is a loose term...maybe consciously recognize is better...

I decided when I was pregnant that Solstice was going to be our celebration day because Christmas Eve, Christmas day and Boxing day we're already covered by other parts of the family. In my head, we'd be living in our own house, have our own celebration and presents then, and then celebrate with the rest of the family later.
Since that 'living in my own house' thing hasn't worked out, we just do presents on Christmas day with everyone here and a big dinner that night, but I still like to recognize the Solstice.

Winter Solstice is the shortest day of the year, meaning that every day after that until Summertime just gets longer and sunnier.
Winter Solstice has long been thought of as the time of the last time for Autumn feasting before the cold days of hunger ahead. It was the time when the livestock was slaughtered so they didn't have to be kept fed in the winter, and therefore it was the only time of year when fresh meat was available. Wine and mead that had been fermenting from the summer and autumn harvests was now ready to drink. Firewood was cut and stored to keep everyone warm against the winter winds.
What better time for a party?

For me, Winter Solstice is about thanking the Earth for a good growing year and enjoying what she has to offer. It's about the celebration of daylight as the Earth begins it's new year around the Sun. It's about family, food, warmth and love.
And this particular Solstice marks the end of the Mayan calendar, which obviously didn't end in the apocalypse, but does mark the end of an era. The 'old ways' are behind us and new and better things are hopefully on the horizon.

Happy Solstice, Merry Yule.

Like it, Love it.

In contrast to the last post, Things that we love right now:

Books:
I Love You the Purplest - Barbara M. Joosse
Stars - Mary Lyn Ray
The Elephant's Airplane and Other Machines - Anne-Marie Dalmais
The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Morris Lessmore - William Joyce

Music:
Jingle Bells
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
Real Gone - Sheryl Crow
Somebody That I Used To Know - Gotye
Fred Penner's 'The Season' album

Tv/movies:
Mighty Machines
Bear in the Big Blue House
Winnie The Pooh
Cars

Toys:
Playmobil tractor
Trucks...all of them...(front end loader, dump truck, excavator)
Duplo bricks (not so much the people)
Crane
Little cars (for crane to lift)
Wooden puzzle blocks

Food:
Pasta
all-beef hot dogs
Pomegranate
Pineapple
Gingerbread cookies
Goat cheese
Toast

Places:
Orillia Library
Springwater Park (though it's too cold for that now)
Any playground....anywhere
Home

Just Blah

Feeling crappy is just crappy.

You may remember This post from last year about the anxiety attack I had before Toby's dental work.

Following that I've had chest pains off and on throughout the year, ranging anywhere from dull discomfort to, again, feeling like a heart attack.

Recently I've been having a series of tests done to figure out what's wrong. So far all the tests are 'normal', but I have a much higher than normal heart rate and possible 'pericarditis', which is an inflammation in the lining of the heart. Nothing is 100% and I still have to go back for follow ups, but that's where it's at right now. I'm on medication to thin my blood and slow my heart down, which is just making me feel more lazy and sluggish and not really taking the pain away.

And being in pain and being anxious and being unsure and being tired has just made me grumpy. And I"m starting to notice it come out in Toby, and I just feel even worse about it.
We go through phases where everything is fine and then there's a few weeks where I just feel like everything I say is criticism.
He gets out of bed in the morning and tells me to get up, and I say yep just a minute, and he yells 'no now!' and I say that he doesn't need to shout, and he says yes he does, and I say that he is welcome to get up and I will when my eyes wake up, and he pulls my blankets off, and i pull them back on and ask him to leave and then he throws a fit and I can feel my heart rate skyrocket.
I feel like I'm always asking him to play quietly or leave me alone for just 'one more minute' or not go bug grampa or not throw toys in the house...and then I think he's probably acting up because I'm not really paying attention to him....and then I think maybe he's just being '4'.

Everything builds up and keeps feeding off each other... Toby's anxiety makes me unsettled, which makes him more upset, which makes me more upset, which makes everyone else in the house upset, which makes me feel guilty for not 'doing my job', which makes me more frantic, which makes Toby act out, and makes me just want time to myself.
I've caught myself saying things like "All the yelling is what's making mommy's chest hurt" or "Listening to the whining is making me sicker, not better", which is maybe part true, but it's also melodramatic. As soon as I say it I feel like it's a step away from "Go away I dont want you", and then the guilt cycle begins again.

I realize I'm babbling and complaining, but I guess that's why I have a blog, right? Who better to complain to than myself/the internet.

I'm still at this 'lost' point where I feel like I need to be moving forward but I'm just sitting still. I can't plan for the future because what I want to happen and what I know will probably happen are two different things. I"m trying to enjoy the 'now' but there's this frantic feeling in my chest that just won't go away. Trying to do things I want with a 4 year old holding me back is frustrating.... and most of the time I love doing stuff with him... he loves grocery shopping, we go to the mall and downtown and out for lunch and do crafts.... but it's the incessant whining at home that just wears away at me. I wish I could just sit and listen and play with him all day, but it seemed easier when he was younger and I didn't have a taste of 'freedom'.
And the easy, obvious answer is to just send him to day care, or start him in school, but I know what the fall-out would be at this point, and I'm not willing to deal with the tantrums and the moods and the hating school because he's not emotionally ready.

I just want to be able to relax with him. I just want food-making and dish-washing to be instantaneous so I dont have to try to ditch him for an hour to make food for him. He gets so happy and excited about games that he wants to play and I just have zero energy to give in. I hate struggling to breathe and be awake and play and be as joyful as he is. And I hate the anxiety and the screaming and tantrums that inevitably follow.
Just... blah...