Just Blah

Feeling crappy is just crappy.

You may remember This post from last year about the anxiety attack I had before Toby's dental work.

Following that I've had chest pains off and on throughout the year, ranging anywhere from dull discomfort to, again, feeling like a heart attack.

Recently I've been having a series of tests done to figure out what's wrong. So far all the tests are 'normal', but I have a much higher than normal heart rate and possible 'pericarditis', which is an inflammation in the lining of the heart. Nothing is 100% and I still have to go back for follow ups, but that's where it's at right now. I'm on medication to thin my blood and slow my heart down, which is just making me feel more lazy and sluggish and not really taking the pain away.

And being in pain and being anxious and being unsure and being tired has just made me grumpy. And I"m starting to notice it come out in Toby, and I just feel even worse about it.
We go through phases where everything is fine and then there's a few weeks where I just feel like everything I say is criticism.
He gets out of bed in the morning and tells me to get up, and I say yep just a minute, and he yells 'no now!' and I say that he doesn't need to shout, and he says yes he does, and I say that he is welcome to get up and I will when my eyes wake up, and he pulls my blankets off, and i pull them back on and ask him to leave and then he throws a fit and I can feel my heart rate skyrocket.
I feel like I'm always asking him to play quietly or leave me alone for just 'one more minute' or not go bug grampa or not throw toys in the house...and then I think he's probably acting up because I'm not really paying attention to him....and then I think maybe he's just being '4'.

Everything builds up and keeps feeding off each other... Toby's anxiety makes me unsettled, which makes him more upset, which makes me more upset, which makes everyone else in the house upset, which makes me feel guilty for not 'doing my job', which makes me more frantic, which makes Toby act out, and makes me just want time to myself.
I've caught myself saying things like "All the yelling is what's making mommy's chest hurt" or "Listening to the whining is making me sicker, not better", which is maybe part true, but it's also melodramatic. As soon as I say it I feel like it's a step away from "Go away I dont want you", and then the guilt cycle begins again.

I realize I'm babbling and complaining, but I guess that's why I have a blog, right? Who better to complain to than myself/the internet.

I'm still at this 'lost' point where I feel like I need to be moving forward but I'm just sitting still. I can't plan for the future because what I want to happen and what I know will probably happen are two different things. I"m trying to enjoy the 'now' but there's this frantic feeling in my chest that just won't go away. Trying to do things I want with a 4 year old holding me back is frustrating.... and most of the time I love doing stuff with him... he loves grocery shopping, we go to the mall and downtown and out for lunch and do crafts.... but it's the incessant whining at home that just wears away at me. I wish I could just sit and listen and play with him all day, but it seemed easier when he was younger and I didn't have a taste of 'freedom'.
And the easy, obvious answer is to just send him to day care, or start him in school, but I know what the fall-out would be at this point, and I'm not willing to deal with the tantrums and the moods and the hating school because he's not emotionally ready.

I just want to be able to relax with him. I just want food-making and dish-washing to be instantaneous so I dont have to try to ditch him for an hour to make food for him. He gets so happy and excited about games that he wants to play and I just have zero energy to give in. I hate struggling to breathe and be awake and play and be as joyful as he is. And I hate the anxiety and the screaming and tantrums that inevitably follow.
Just... blah...

Identity Crisis

Well...The divorce is final. All the chocolate in the advent calendar has been eaten. And instead of being relieved, or even sad, I'm just kind of....lost.

I've always been "Erin Hawke". I'd say my name at the bank or for a mailing list or at school and people look up and go, "Oh, are you you Julie and David's daughter?" or "Hawke, as in John?" or "Oh yeah, Shannon's sister right?"

At times it was eye-roll worthy and embarrassing, but then there started to be a sense of pride surrounding it. People knew who I was, or at the very least, that I existed.

And then when I got married I was torn between changing my name or keeping my maiden name. I had always said I'd change it, just when it actually came time I felt like I was giving up part of myself. I decided to wait until after college graduation so I had 'my' name on my diploma, and then I'd change it.
Then I got a job right away and all my paperwork had been processed with my maiden name on it. So ok fine, I'll wait until I'm settled here before I do.
Then when we got pregnant I knew it had to be done. I wanted the same last name as my kids. I had been putting it off for two years.
I changed all my documents... I even sacrificed my red and white health card.

And two months later we broke up.

I felt disconnected from everything. I had this name on all these cards that didn't look like mine. I was growing a baby that I suddenly just wanted to run away from.

Eventually I perfected my new signature and didn't have to pause and think every time someone asked my name. Eventually I came to terms with it being "Toby's" last name and not "Luke's" last name.

Then a few weeks ago while initialing my time sheet at work I wrote 'EH' instead of 'ES'. I had closed the book and moved on before I thought to take a second look. My absent minded brain had written E H after years of not even thinking about it.

And now it comes down to the fact that I COULD change my name back.... but should I?

My reason for changing my name to begin with was mostly to have the same last name as my kids. But now if I were to get married and have another kid, it would be weird to keep my ex's name, but changing it would mean being different again.
I still have this strong desire for Toby and I to be the same... but now I also feel like I'm hanging on to something that isn't mine anymore. I'm living with my parents but don't really feel like I 'belong' to them...but now that things are official I also don't feel like I 'belong' with my in-laws either... I'm in this awkward limbo where I don't feel like either choice is better...

So what do I do?
Who do I be?
Where do I really go from here?

I'm not really sure yet...

Wordless Wednesday

Thankful: the non-ironic vrsion

Ok, so I wasn't going to to this but I guess I've been bitten by the holiday-spirit bug...

I'm thankful for having a little boy who loves music, art, food and yoga, as well as construction, tractors, bulldozers and excavators. This morning he woke up and shouted MOM! COME DO YOGA WITH ME!!

I'm thankful for "living in paradise" and my grandma puts it. Because I grew up here I take it for granted sometimes.

I'm thankful for having all 4 of my grandparents still.

I'm thankful for having a vehicle to use after my other one decided to be broken.

I'm thankful for social media websites because it's really the only way I feel like I keep in touch with anyone.

I'm thankful for pay-at-the pump gas stations. I'm convinced they were invented for single moms with sleeping babies.

I'm thankful for Value Village.

I'm thankful for sunshine.

I'm thankful to be living in Canada.

Thankful

Well, Happy Thanksgiving!
Our family was never one to sit around the dinner table and address what we're thankful for on Thanksgiving.  I've been to people's houses where they do that and I'm always at a loss for what to say.
I'm thankful for.................friends? Ice cream?? Anything I thought of sounded cliche and shallow.
So over the last few weeks I've been thinking of things to be thankful for that maybe we don't always consider...... kind of like the Positive Party posts I used to make... but not....you get it...


Be thankful for the guy driving eeeeeeeeexxxxxactlyyyyyyy the speed limit in front of you. They stopped you from getting a ticket from the police car waiting on the other side of the hill.

Be thankful for rainy days. There are only so many days in the year that pajamas, crafts, baking and movies are 100% appropriate.

Be thankful for nursing babies (and toddlers). They remind us that sometimes we need to just...sit.

Be thankful for the people who criticize you. Sometimes we need a wake-up call.

Be thankful for power outages. They get you to...you know.. talk to people. Like in person.

Be thankful for breakups. Opportunities can be seized that otherwise would not have come along.

Happy Turkey everyone!
Find some ironic things to be thankful for.....post them in the comments if you like!

A Boys Clothes Rant

A rant on children's clothes:

Toby is out of long sleeved shirts that fit him. He has three turtlenecks and another shirt that he will grow out of in a few months. I thought I was ahead of the game by buying long sleeved shirts on sale last year, but apparently the sleeves are like 2 millimeters too long and thus Toby refuses to wear them, even though he wore them last year.
So it's not as though he needs a new wardrobe, but it's in the back of my mind to check out long sleeved shirts whenever we're around kids clothes.

Stop #1 was Zellers because it's closing and everything was on crazy-sale. All they had left was the obnoxiously graphic emblazoned plastic-like shirts that I avoided buying anyway.
Stop #2 was Joe in Zhers, because I love everything they have. However, of the 4 styles they had that would actually fit Toby, only one seemed suitable enough to consider buying.
Stop #3 was Wal-Mart. I try to avoid Wally World, but you have to admit... they have everything...Everything that is except a suitable long sleeved boys shirt.

I loved boys baby clothes. I loved the brown and blue and green in simple stripes and minimal graphics. It brought some ease for my pining away for a girl, because aside from the adorable sundresses, I actually liked the boys clothed better.
Toddler clothes were pretty good too. Joe, Zellers, and Wal-Mart all had incredibly reasonably priced clothes that I (and Toby, which is saying something) loved.
Last winter I began to realize that I wouldn't be able to shop in the toddler section for long.
This winter I am now realizing how much I hate boys clothes.

What I find most annoying is that every single shirt for ages 4 and up has obnoxious slogans, full-length graphics or is made out of terrible material.
Even as we found ourselves in Bonnie Togs today I smiled at the Halloween shirts up front, before realizing they were all girl cut....and then saw the boys rack which was full of grotesque pictures of goblins and skeletons. Why cant boys have a shirt like the girls with just two cats eyes on the front? Not completely terrifying enough??
Even in the boys section i was hard pressed to find anything I'd actually buy. "Here comes Trouble!" "Loud, Louder, LOUDEST" "Mommy's little Monster".....And we wonder why boys are stereotypicaly harder to control?? Giant growling dinosaurs, angry fire breathing dragons, ATVs kicking up mud, race cars spinning their tires to be "First to the Finish"....
Toby stood in front of one rack for a while before asking "Mom, why is that guy putting everything on fire?" I said that I guess that's just what some dragons do.....it's pretty silly, eh. He said it was kind of mean.

On one hand I get that the fashion industry had this kind of code of 'What's Hot and What's Not' for each season...but the fashion industry also had the ability to push an image and make it sell.
What kind of boys are we breeding by pushing scary, fast, obnoxious things in their faces as soon as they're able to form a sentence? How hard is it to just include one plain striped shirt in your line? What about a hyper graphic tree design? I've seen some great ones on adult t-shirts that still look 'manly'. What about real animals like bears, owls, turtles or foxes?
In contrast, the girls clothing at this age DOES seem to include basic stripes and plains, but the graphics are lazy cats, make-up clad cartoon 'dolls', and sassy slogans like "So Spoiled" "Daddy's little Princess" and "So Cute It's Scary". What is THAT teaching our girls??

Maybe I'm just the odd duck out. There does indeed exist tree patterned tees and earthy toned striped, but they usually are made by pricey organic companies that I'd most likely have to buy from online.
As much as I would LOVE to support those small businesses, I don't have the means, and neither do many many others.

I just think that in a world of growing peace and equality, that at least ONE line of clothing should be easily available that doesn't promote hate, winning, or laziness. My fear is that even if there were more "bland" shirt available, it's the parent who is the one going "Don't get the sissy tree one....HEEYY LOOK AT THIS SICK DIRT BIKE!!"

Boys will be what you shape them to be. Complaining they're hard to handle, lack focus and literacy, or aren't 'gentle' like girls (and I know a few moms who will laugh heartily at that stereotype), is all lead back to YOU and how YOU allow them to be perceived. Clothing is an enormous part of how humans shape their identity...I just wish the children's clothing industry took that into account past the age of three...

And Then It Hits You...

I know that through this break-up/single mom business I've been lucky. I've said it before. But it still sucks. It sucks a lot because it's not what I want. This is not where I planned to be at this point in my life. I spend a lot of time regretting the things I could be doing right now.

And then today a woman came in the store and started quietly looking around for a long...long time. I asked if she needed a hand and she shook her head, gently moving the wires from the ear buds the had in. Ooooook fine, I'll go back to doing other stuff.
She'd carry something all the way around the store then put it back and carry something else around the store. I wasn't really 'watching' her for shoplifting, but it was also starting to get awkward. She finally put a couple things on the counter and asked me to hold them for a second while she looked for something for her son. I said sure. She said it was her daughter's birthday, but she wanted something small for her 3 year old because he wouldn't understand-" and I chuckled a bit, and then she finished with "-that it's probably the last time I'll see them."
I regretted laughing. Usually people finish that sentence with an eye roll and a shrug about how they need something so its fair to the little one too.
She walked across the store and I re-directed her to toys I knew Toby would like. She picked one of them.
She said she was sorry for muttering about how expensive everything is, but for a single mom it is. I said I was a single mom too, and yes toys are generally expensive.
She softened a bit after that and asked what kind of things Toby was into. She asked if I liked working here. She asked if Toby liked coming in here.
She told me briefly of the problems she's having with the dad.
She told her her kids are in foster care and she's still fighting for them, but it's probably the last time she'll see them.
I gift wrapped her purchases and wished her luck.
She left and I went to go back to typing and realized how much my hands were shaking. The tears followed shortly after. Well crap, I still have to have the store open for another hour, pull it together.

I know I'm lucky... but... I'm Lucky.

Luke, I know you'll never read this, but thank you for being understanding and 'kind' throughout this.
Sabrina, Thank you for not being completely crazy, and for eventually realizing that I'm not crazy either.
Jeff and Sarah, thank you for being a giant ear to my many ramblings. And honestly if not for all this we still probably would not be talking much.
My parents, thank you for allowing there to be a roof over our heads and food in the fridge.
The rest of my family and friends, in-laws included, thank you for being nothing but supportive and generous for the last 4 years.
And Toby, thank you for all of your hugs and kisses and good morning 'I love yous', and for trying to be one of the best kids I've ever met.