Thinking about the whole Toby drama thing... and a thought came to me... A comparison of actions...An analogy....albeit maybe an extreme one...but one that hits it for me..
Why do I want Toby to go to school? Because I just...want him to. I want him to enjoy it like I did. I want him to make friends. I don't want to let people down by taking him out. I want him to be 'normal'.
Why doesn't he want to go? Because, he's told me over and over, there are too many kids. It's too noisy. And so it's not fun.
I tell him/myself that he'll grow out of it. He'll come around. He'll get used to it. It's fun when you're there, you've just forgotten.
But now... What if, instead of talking about school, we were talking about him being gay.
Would I still say those things to him? No. If his future-self confided in me and I said "I hear you, but you're wrong, don't worry you'll come around." what kind of a person would that make me?
School shapes your whole life, and right now, to him, school means stress and anxiety and fighting with mom. Do I want that?
Yes, he's 5. Yes he might change his mind about school. But is it worth ignoring his feelings right now?
Food for thought.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
School.... again...
So Toby's 5 now. He kept saying he'd go when he's 5. I knew he wouldn't. He's not.
He goes sometimes, for half a day, when he feels like it.
The rest of the time we spend fighting about it.
This is maybe more me ranting than a cohesive blog, so sorry about that. Just after today... I feel like giving up.
Trying to convince him that school will be fun and to think about all the crafts and books and songs and play they do, and how it would be nice to play with his friends, is exhausting. It's a song-and-dance. It's like performing some kind of tactical emotional surgery, and one wrong move kills everything. And usually does.
I try not to be too song-and-dancey about it. I try not to get angry. I try to be matter-of-fact. Just,'this is what we're doing today'. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I sometimes try to put on the stern 'no I'm in charge' face, and he one-ups me. It's scary.
Today we were going to go outside to feed the birds, and after excitedly getting half dressed, he sat down and began taking all his stuff off. I ignored it and kept getting dressed and then he began having an absolute anxiety attack that I wasn't taking my stuff of as well. I said i was still doing my job and I'd be back in a sec, and he proceeds to follow me outside, screaming, in bare feet.
When he gets in these little manic states, there's no talking sense to him. I carried him inside, said he couldn't go out in bare feet and then sat and listened to the screaming and yelling about how much he hates going outside and he's never going to play outside with me again and how he hates when I tell him he's being rude because I'm the one that makes him rude.
Maybe it's just a 5 year old's temper tantrum, but the words still hurt. The yelling still upsets me. I don't scream and yell at him to make a point, so I don't know where it comes from. Maybe I did make him rude because I try to correct him too much and he feels the need to lash out. Or maybe I don't listen to him enough, even though I feel like all I do is respond to him.
I also try not to call him rude or mean or loud, because that's all he will hear and just become that thing. But it's hard not to.
It's hard not to lash out right back.
Not that I keep a total cool today either. Lots of screaming and crying happened on both our parts... Toby's out of rage and mine out of exasperation.
It's poisonous to fight like this all the time. I feel shaky and tired and sore and all that was exchanged were words.
I always said I didn't want school to be a fight. I don't know why it is. I've tried all kinds of bribes and reward systems and nothing is enough incentive for him to go. He has a really good friend at school who misses him, but even that doesn't make him want to go.
I feel like homeschooling would only relieve half that stress. Sure we wouldn't have to 'get up and go', but he'd still have to learn something. To listen to me. And I'm afraid I don't have the energy to do that daily.
I really don't know what to do because I feel like I've tried everything. I've stood my ground, I've been quiet and listened, I've begged, I've tricked... I'm tired of doing it. I'm tired of making him seem so sad all the time. He doesn't seem to want to do anything I suggest anymore. He sits and stares at his knees and sighs and shakes his head. I go to hug him and he wrenches himself away. It's...just hard.
I keep telling myself it's a phase. I keep telling myself that we're only like 3 months in to school. I keep telling myself that he was like this when he was 3 and he grew out of it. I just hope I'm right.
He goes sometimes, for half a day, when he feels like it.
The rest of the time we spend fighting about it.
This is maybe more me ranting than a cohesive blog, so sorry about that. Just after today... I feel like giving up.
Trying to convince him that school will be fun and to think about all the crafts and books and songs and play they do, and how it would be nice to play with his friends, is exhausting. It's a song-and-dance. It's like performing some kind of tactical emotional surgery, and one wrong move kills everything. And usually does.
I try not to be too song-and-dancey about it. I try not to get angry. I try to be matter-of-fact. Just,'this is what we're doing today'. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I sometimes try to put on the stern 'no I'm in charge' face, and he one-ups me. It's scary.
Today we were going to go outside to feed the birds, and after excitedly getting half dressed, he sat down and began taking all his stuff off. I ignored it and kept getting dressed and then he began having an absolute anxiety attack that I wasn't taking my stuff of as well. I said i was still doing my job and I'd be back in a sec, and he proceeds to follow me outside, screaming, in bare feet.
When he gets in these little manic states, there's no talking sense to him. I carried him inside, said he couldn't go out in bare feet and then sat and listened to the screaming and yelling about how much he hates going outside and he's never going to play outside with me again and how he hates when I tell him he's being rude because I'm the one that makes him rude.
Maybe it's just a 5 year old's temper tantrum, but the words still hurt. The yelling still upsets me. I don't scream and yell at him to make a point, so I don't know where it comes from. Maybe I did make him rude because I try to correct him too much and he feels the need to lash out. Or maybe I don't listen to him enough, even though I feel like all I do is respond to him.
I also try not to call him rude or mean or loud, because that's all he will hear and just become that thing. But it's hard not to.
It's hard not to lash out right back.
Not that I keep a total cool today either. Lots of screaming and crying happened on both our parts... Toby's out of rage and mine out of exasperation.
It's poisonous to fight like this all the time. I feel shaky and tired and sore and all that was exchanged were words.
I always said I didn't want school to be a fight. I don't know why it is. I've tried all kinds of bribes and reward systems and nothing is enough incentive for him to go. He has a really good friend at school who misses him, but even that doesn't make him want to go.
I feel like homeschooling would only relieve half that stress. Sure we wouldn't have to 'get up and go', but he'd still have to learn something. To listen to me. And I'm afraid I don't have the energy to do that daily.
I really don't know what to do because I feel like I've tried everything. I've stood my ground, I've been quiet and listened, I've begged, I've tricked... I'm tired of doing it. I'm tired of making him seem so sad all the time. He doesn't seem to want to do anything I suggest anymore. He sits and stares at his knees and sighs and shakes his head. I go to hug him and he wrenches himself away. It's...just hard.
I keep telling myself it's a phase. I keep telling myself that we're only like 3 months in to school. I keep telling myself that he was like this when he was 3 and he grew out of it. I just hope I'm right.
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
Best and Worst of Kids TV
I don't like using the TV as a baby sitter, but it happens. Especially now that he's older and knows when to turn it off on his own and doesn't freak out when I leave the room to do something else. Sometime though I will feel bad, and I sit and watch things with him. Usually it's a ploy to get a few more minutes of shut-eye (like now as I'm nursing a miserable head cold and don't feel like doing much else but watch tv) while he's otherwise distracted.
People complain about kids TV. Most of it is too 'soft' or sparkly or sing-song-ish. And as a result they let their kids (and by "kids" I mostly mean 2-5 year olds) watch stuff that's not appropriate for their age. Or maybe they think it is but because they don't sit down and watch with their kids they just don't know.
I find there are some fantastic kids shows out there that even I enjoy watching, and even look forward to.
I've listed below some my faves and least faves.
Note that I'm not necessarily judging educational value or the child's enjoyment, although that comes into play in some of them.
Fist of all, some TV tips:
-Turn off Treehouse.
I know it's on 24/7 and will entertain your kids at the drop of a hat. But most of it is annoying.
-CBC Kids has a great morning line-up that ends at 11am on weekdays and Noon on Saturday. That's the big thing for me. IT ENDS. Unless your toddler is hooked on Heartland or Dragon's Den, they will turn it off, time for lunch, then carry on with the day.
-TVO has some good shows too, but again, it carries on all day without rest.
-If you want afternoon entertainment, invest in DVDs, or scrounge Value Village for VHS tapes that are easier to handle around young-ins. DVDs and tapes END. Then the TV goes off. Or if another show does get started, they usually only last 20 minutes.
-I've also recorded several hours of CBC Kids onto VHS which I can pop in if I"m desperate.
Here's my list of shows I can't stand/refuse to watch.
Toopy and Binoo - I don't know much about them, I've only seen a few episodes, but from what I've seen it's just...5 minutes of a rat making up games with his stuffed cat.
Dora The Explorer - I don't like her voice. I don't like the excessive amount of pink and purple. I don't like the painful pauses waiting for 'us' to answer her questions. I don't like the computer cursor that takes part in the adventures, implying that we're in a computer game. I don't care if we're learning Spanish words, French is Canada's second official language and I'd rather my kids be learning that.
Peppa Pig - We used to watch this as kids, and found some humour in it, but now it just feels painful to sit through the nasally Pig family make their way through their day.
Thomas and Friends - I know there are die-hard Thomas kids out there, and yes trains are cool, but I can't stand watching the shows. They feel rushed and chopped together and someone is always being angry or mean or reckless. Sure it may get resolved in the end, but it happens so fast I'm not sure that any of the resolution sinks in.
Backyardigans - One time I liked them. I liked the concept of imaginative play and exploring different genres of music. But the songs just drag on. And the episode drags on. And we loose interest. The same story could be told in half the time and with less annoying characters.
Barney - Is this even on anymore? I had to include it because just no. This and Teletubbies was the start of the decent of quality children's programming.
There are more shows like Caillou and Teletubbies and other whose names I don't remember, but I haven't actually sat through an episode or watched long enough to report on.
These are some shows that BOTH Toby and I like (ie. I will usually stop what I'm doing to sit and watch these shows with him):
Super Why - I didn't like this show at first because I didn't like that they took a classic fairy tale and changed the ending just to solve the problem in the book. However, the subtle way they teach letter recognition and phonics in the show it what I attribute to Toby being able to read early. Plus the characters within the fairy tales often have personality quirks that adults can find humour in as well.
Sesame Street - The original series. Not the "Elmo's World' stuff.
Because of the adult actors in the show, there are often subtle parenting coping strategies tucked into conversations with the puppets. Celebrities add interest for adults, as well as open children up to pop culture. The humour was often made for adults, but with tones that were funny for kids as well.
Dino Dan - The original series, not Trek's Adventures. Sorry Trek, your older brother had better story lines. Not only does this kid talk to dinosaurs, but we actually learn interesting stuff about them. He knows the names and characteristics of every single one at the snap of a finger, which keeps my interest because it's often things that I don't know myself. Plus his classmates are hilarious. Subtly flamboyant and zany Cory is my favourite. This Canadian made show is also full of a whole host of Canadian Actor cameos.
Zoboomafoo - The toddler's version of Kratt's Kreatures from back in the day, but just as interesting. I know the new Wild Kratts show is the 'it' thing now, but there's still something about the live-action animal exploring with the Kratt brothers that I like better. It's funny and I learn new things myself. A number of their animal friends were provided by the now non-existent Muskoka Wildlife Centre.
Zerby Derby - A new one on my list as it's on TVO which we hardly ever watch anymore. The basic concept is it's this assortment of vehicles that drive around their forest home and try to solve everyday problems. Sound's hokey, but instead of being animated it's all done with live-action remote controlled cars. The humour I get out of it is imagining this groups of grown-up guys playing with remote control cars all day and then voicing them over. The credits include a blooper reel which, in itself, is worth the episode watch.
Stella and Sam - We have the Stella and Sam books, which we love, and I had no idea it was a TV show until Toby found a DVD at the library. 9 year old Stella looks after 4 year old Sam and teaches him about the world as they go on outdoor adventures in their yard. The 'teaching' often involves whimsical explanations of things and tall tales (like polar bears eating snow flakes for breakfast with milk and sugar) but are always rooted in fact (like frogs hibernating in the winter). Just a really nice, conflict-free television show.
The Cat in the Hat Knows A Lot About That - I was never a fan of the Cat in the Hat stories growing up, so I wasn't eager to start watching this one. However, instead of being chaotic and mischievous, this version of the Cat in the Hat, voiced my Martin Short, is clever and intelligent. He takes Nick and Sally on adventures (always with the permission of their parents) to find answers to questions they have. It's always science and nature based and you find you're learning things without knowing you're learning things. All the science is accurate as well as entertaining.
Bear in the Big Blue House - The fact that I started watching this show while at college, maybe says something about me.
From the Jim Henson workshop, these puppets come to life as only Jim Henson can do. The range of scale of these puppets must be a chore to not only maintain and operate, but to film. Bear is an over-sized full body puppet, much like Big Bird. There are some 'normal' mid-range characters, and then Tutter, the mouse hand-puppet who is often filmed in the same scenes as Bear.
The best part of the show is at the beginning when Bear pauses to smell a smell, and ends up sniffing right into the camera lens before exclaiming IT'S YOU! I get stupid giddy about it.
Magic School Bus - Nuff said.
Shows that Toby likes and I'm indifferent to:
Bob the Builder - I always told myself I wouldn't get sucked into the Bob the Builder thing, but I found some VHS tapes at Value Village and had to admit that two-year-old Toby would love them. And he does.
Dirtgirlworld - I do actually like this show, just maybe not as high on my list as some of the others. The unique animation takes a bit of getting used to, but in general the stories are about a girl who runs her own farm and isn't afraid to 'go get grubby', which I think is great.
Paw Patrol - Toby has newly discovered this show and has become obsessed with it. It's fine enough, just doesn't always grab me to want to sit an watch. Basic premise is boy Ryder and his team of 6 dogs who each have a different specialty and catch phrase as they go out and help the residents of Adventure Bay.
Bookaboo - A new addition to the CBC line-up, it's actually pretty good, but I'm maybe not as obsessive over it as Toby is. Bookaboo is a dog puppet in a rock band who often loses his enthusiasm when he hasn't been read a story. He sulks in his tour bus, making up games for himself, until a Canadian celebrity comes with a book to read him and get him out of his funk. It's pretty cute and the books are good. It's kind of cool to see these famous people 'out of character' and just being themselves as they read a book to a friend.
Busytown Mysteries - Toby loves it, I don't really care all that much. I was never really in to the Richard Scary books as a kid. The stories can be entertaining and it's all bout using logic to solve problems, but it's not my personal favourite to watch.
I'm sure there's more I could add to each list, but these are the one's off the top of my head. Do you have any show that you refuse to watch/love watching/your kids watch and you don't understand why?
I'll leave you with John Green's video reviewing popular children's television shows :)
People complain about kids TV. Most of it is too 'soft' or sparkly or sing-song-ish. And as a result they let their kids (and by "kids" I mostly mean 2-5 year olds) watch stuff that's not appropriate for their age. Or maybe they think it is but because they don't sit down and watch with their kids they just don't know.
I find there are some fantastic kids shows out there that even I enjoy watching, and even look forward to.
I've listed below some my faves and least faves.
Note that I'm not necessarily judging educational value or the child's enjoyment, although that comes into play in some of them.
Fist of all, some TV tips:
-Turn off Treehouse.
I know it's on 24/7 and will entertain your kids at the drop of a hat. But most of it is annoying.
-CBC Kids has a great morning line-up that ends at 11am on weekdays and Noon on Saturday. That's the big thing for me. IT ENDS. Unless your toddler is hooked on Heartland or Dragon's Den, they will turn it off, time for lunch, then carry on with the day.
-TVO has some good shows too, but again, it carries on all day without rest.
-If you want afternoon entertainment, invest in DVDs, or scrounge Value Village for VHS tapes that are easier to handle around young-ins. DVDs and tapes END. Then the TV goes off. Or if another show does get started, they usually only last 20 minutes.
-I've also recorded several hours of CBC Kids onto VHS which I can pop in if I"m desperate.
Here's my list of shows I can't stand/refuse to watch.
Toopy and Binoo - I don't know much about them, I've only seen a few episodes, but from what I've seen it's just...5 minutes of a rat making up games with his stuffed cat.
Dora The Explorer - I don't like her voice. I don't like the excessive amount of pink and purple. I don't like the painful pauses waiting for 'us' to answer her questions. I don't like the computer cursor that takes part in the adventures, implying that we're in a computer game. I don't care if we're learning Spanish words, French is Canada's second official language and I'd rather my kids be learning that.
Peppa Pig - We used to watch this as kids, and found some humour in it, but now it just feels painful to sit through the nasally Pig family make their way through their day.
Thomas and Friends - I know there are die-hard Thomas kids out there, and yes trains are cool, but I can't stand watching the shows. They feel rushed and chopped together and someone is always being angry or mean or reckless. Sure it may get resolved in the end, but it happens so fast I'm not sure that any of the resolution sinks in.
Backyardigans - One time I liked them. I liked the concept of imaginative play and exploring different genres of music. But the songs just drag on. And the episode drags on. And we loose interest. The same story could be told in half the time and with less annoying characters.
Barney - Is this even on anymore? I had to include it because just no. This and Teletubbies was the start of the decent of quality children's programming.
There are more shows like Caillou and Teletubbies and other whose names I don't remember, but I haven't actually sat through an episode or watched long enough to report on.
These are some shows that BOTH Toby and I like (ie. I will usually stop what I'm doing to sit and watch these shows with him):
Super Why - I didn't like this show at first because I didn't like that they took a classic fairy tale and changed the ending just to solve the problem in the book. However, the subtle way they teach letter recognition and phonics in the show it what I attribute to Toby being able to read early. Plus the characters within the fairy tales often have personality quirks that adults can find humour in as well.
Sesame Street - The original series. Not the "Elmo's World' stuff.
Because of the adult actors in the show, there are often subtle parenting coping strategies tucked into conversations with the puppets. Celebrities add interest for adults, as well as open children up to pop culture. The humour was often made for adults, but with tones that were funny for kids as well.
Dino Dan - The original series, not Trek's Adventures. Sorry Trek, your older brother had better story lines. Not only does this kid talk to dinosaurs, but we actually learn interesting stuff about them. He knows the names and characteristics of every single one at the snap of a finger, which keeps my interest because it's often things that I don't know myself. Plus his classmates are hilarious. Subtly flamboyant and zany Cory is my favourite. This Canadian made show is also full of a whole host of Canadian Actor cameos.
Zoboomafoo - The toddler's version of Kratt's Kreatures from back in the day, but just as interesting. I know the new Wild Kratts show is the 'it' thing now, but there's still something about the live-action animal exploring with the Kratt brothers that I like better. It's funny and I learn new things myself. A number of their animal friends were provided by the now non-existent Muskoka Wildlife Centre.
Zerby Derby - A new one on my list as it's on TVO which we hardly ever watch anymore. The basic concept is it's this assortment of vehicles that drive around their forest home and try to solve everyday problems. Sound's hokey, but instead of being animated it's all done with live-action remote controlled cars. The humour I get out of it is imagining this groups of grown-up guys playing with remote control cars all day and then voicing them over. The credits include a blooper reel which, in itself, is worth the episode watch.
Stella and Sam - We have the Stella and Sam books, which we love, and I had no idea it was a TV show until Toby found a DVD at the library. 9 year old Stella looks after 4 year old Sam and teaches him about the world as they go on outdoor adventures in their yard. The 'teaching' often involves whimsical explanations of things and tall tales (like polar bears eating snow flakes for breakfast with milk and sugar) but are always rooted in fact (like frogs hibernating in the winter). Just a really nice, conflict-free television show.
The Cat in the Hat Knows A Lot About That - I was never a fan of the Cat in the Hat stories growing up, so I wasn't eager to start watching this one. However, instead of being chaotic and mischievous, this version of the Cat in the Hat, voiced my Martin Short, is clever and intelligent. He takes Nick and Sally on adventures (always with the permission of their parents) to find answers to questions they have. It's always science and nature based and you find you're learning things without knowing you're learning things. All the science is accurate as well as entertaining.
Bear in the Big Blue House - The fact that I started watching this show while at college, maybe says something about me.
From the Jim Henson workshop, these puppets come to life as only Jim Henson can do. The range of scale of these puppets must be a chore to not only maintain and operate, but to film. Bear is an over-sized full body puppet, much like Big Bird. There are some 'normal' mid-range characters, and then Tutter, the mouse hand-puppet who is often filmed in the same scenes as Bear.
The best part of the show is at the beginning when Bear pauses to smell a smell, and ends up sniffing right into the camera lens before exclaiming IT'S YOU! I get stupid giddy about it.
Magic School Bus - Nuff said.
Shows that Toby likes and I'm indifferent to:
Bob the Builder - I always told myself I wouldn't get sucked into the Bob the Builder thing, but I found some VHS tapes at Value Village and had to admit that two-year-old Toby would love them. And he does.
Dirtgirlworld - I do actually like this show, just maybe not as high on my list as some of the others. The unique animation takes a bit of getting used to, but in general the stories are about a girl who runs her own farm and isn't afraid to 'go get grubby', which I think is great.
Paw Patrol - Toby has newly discovered this show and has become obsessed with it. It's fine enough, just doesn't always grab me to want to sit an watch. Basic premise is boy Ryder and his team of 6 dogs who each have a different specialty and catch phrase as they go out and help the residents of Adventure Bay.
Bookaboo - A new addition to the CBC line-up, it's actually pretty good, but I'm maybe not as obsessive over it as Toby is. Bookaboo is a dog puppet in a rock band who often loses his enthusiasm when he hasn't been read a story. He sulks in his tour bus, making up games for himself, until a Canadian celebrity comes with a book to read him and get him out of his funk. It's pretty cute and the books are good. It's kind of cool to see these famous people 'out of character' and just being themselves as they read a book to a friend.
I'm sure there's more I could add to each list, but these are the one's off the top of my head. Do you have any show that you refuse to watch/love watching/your kids watch and you don't understand why?
I'll leave you with John Green's video reviewing popular children's television shows :)
Friday, November 15, 2013
Single-ish
Single-ish.... that limbo state of knowing you're in a relationship, but it's still kinda new and it's not actually legally recognized as a relationship.
I've become very used to being single. Some things maybe have been easier, but most things were definitely suckier. I've resented, but become used to, being a 'single mom'.
I saw a post in a group a while ago about a woman going through the transition of being in a new relationship after 5 years single, but still identifying as a 'single mom' and wondering when it's appropriate to start admitting you're not.
It's a good question. Because legally you're single until you're married. Some said it wasn't until they were married to their new partner that they felt they could say they weren't single. Others suggested that they didn't feel 'not single' until they and their new partner had a kid together, regardless of if they were married or not.
It's a complicated feeling: knowing you're happy and 'not single', but still having this voice inside warning you about becoming too attached. Everyone can be happy and getting along, but you still know somewhere inside that you're still a single mom.
And maybe that's just how will always be. You and this kid have a history that even the best partner won't really be a part of. The future may look great, but it's still only your kid.
It's interesting being in a position to choose the person that you want to help you raise your child. You think you're doing that when you get married before kids, but having a kid can change everything. So many things I'd said I'd do/wouldn't do have changed drastically based on experience and further reading. I've seen for myself relationships that become rocky after having children because of differing views that you thought you could compromise on, but now can't. It can be hard.
In some ways having a new person around is even harder than having no one.
You're trying to keep things normal while your kid is being a maniac and showing off everything he knows how to do. Outings, meal times, bed time, breakfast time are all now accompanied by these bi-polaresque mood swings that go from fun to nightmarish in a matter of seconds. Not that this didn't ever happen before, but it just seems amplified now. It's hard just wanting to spend time with your partner while the child demands all the attention.
Which is what parenting is, right? That's what happens. Just usually you get a few child-free years together before that.
It's hard because part of you assumes that this new person will just fit in to your parenting style and know what to do because YOU know what to do. But in reality they have to do what you did year ago... give up everything and learn from the beginning. Which can't be easy for them either.
But then, the fact that they've chosen to do this speaks volumes.
Because you know how shitty the shitty days are. You know how loud and stubborn and messy your child can be.
And yet, they stick around. On purpose. Even though those are the days that you yourself want to run away.
Which is nice, because having someone there to share the crap burden, as well as the fun times, makes you feel like you're part of something.
Love ought to be shared. I love having someone else to share it with.
I'm not single, but I think I'll still feel single-ish for a while. Which is ok. Those four and a half years made me into who I am right now and they don't deserve to be forgotten.
I've become very used to being single. Some things maybe have been easier, but most things were definitely suckier. I've resented, but become used to, being a 'single mom'.
I saw a post in a group a while ago about a woman going through the transition of being in a new relationship after 5 years single, but still identifying as a 'single mom' and wondering when it's appropriate to start admitting you're not.
It's a good question. Because legally you're single until you're married. Some said it wasn't until they were married to their new partner that they felt they could say they weren't single. Others suggested that they didn't feel 'not single' until they and their new partner had a kid together, regardless of if they were married or not.
It's a complicated feeling: knowing you're happy and 'not single', but still having this voice inside warning you about becoming too attached. Everyone can be happy and getting along, but you still know somewhere inside that you're still a single mom.
And maybe that's just how will always be. You and this kid have a history that even the best partner won't really be a part of. The future may look great, but it's still only your kid.
It's interesting being in a position to choose the person that you want to help you raise your child. You think you're doing that when you get married before kids, but having a kid can change everything. So many things I'd said I'd do/wouldn't do have changed drastically based on experience and further reading. I've seen for myself relationships that become rocky after having children because of differing views that you thought you could compromise on, but now can't. It can be hard.
In some ways having a new person around is even harder than having no one.
You're trying to keep things normal while your kid is being a maniac and showing off everything he knows how to do. Outings, meal times, bed time, breakfast time are all now accompanied by these bi-polaresque mood swings that go from fun to nightmarish in a matter of seconds. Not that this didn't ever happen before, but it just seems amplified now. It's hard just wanting to spend time with your partner while the child demands all the attention.
Which is what parenting is, right? That's what happens. Just usually you get a few child-free years together before that.
It's hard because part of you assumes that this new person will just fit in to your parenting style and know what to do because YOU know what to do. But in reality they have to do what you did year ago... give up everything and learn from the beginning. Which can't be easy for them either.
But then, the fact that they've chosen to do this speaks volumes.
Because you know how shitty the shitty days are. You know how loud and stubborn and messy your child can be.
And yet, they stick around. On purpose. Even though those are the days that you yourself want to run away.
Which is nice, because having someone there to share the crap burden, as well as the fun times, makes you feel like you're part of something.
Love ought to be shared. I love having someone else to share it with.
I'm not single, but I think I'll still feel single-ish for a while. Which is ok. Those four and a half years made me into who I am right now and they don't deserve to be forgotten.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
"Candy Day"
I have always always always loved Halloween. I have always loved dressing up. I love pretending. I love fall and pumpkins and witches and cobwebs and brooms. I loved trick-or-treating and getting stuff, but we live in the country and only drove to about 3 houses so it wasn't the 'loot' that you hear tell of most kids.
My mom has always rolled her eyes and said she hates all the the candy nonsense, and obviously when you're a kid you don't get it, but we also weren't bombarded with it in our house.
Being an adult now you 'get it' a bit more. You see the Halloween candy before Thanksgiving has even arrived. The grocery store aisles are almost literally piled to the ceiling with boxes and boxes of assorted chocolate bars from competing companies.
I can't pretend to imagine what it's like to have a kid who is allergic to peanuts in among all the fine print, but I do know what avoiding gluten and egg is like. And most everything contains gluten. Plus my adverse reactions to dairy that I usually ignore should be considered at this time of year, which nixes out pretty much everything but Skittles and Rockets.
Halloween parties at school were awkward because I knew I couldn't eat any of the stuff, but I wanted the stuff, and there was no other stuff, so I ate it anyway. I'm so thankful now that schools are taking food allergies and nutrition seriously and not handing out treats as rewards as was common when I was a kid.
I like having treats at Halloween, but eventually you have to ask yourself: Is it the candy or the holiday you love more?
If it's really the holiday, then there are LOADS of things to do that don't involve the sweets.
It it's the candy you're in it for, there are also lots of things you can do to cut down on the sugar content in your house, especially for the kids.
My treat bags this year consist of glow sticks, a pencil, potato chips and organic jelly beans.
Adults tend to roll their eyes at the Halloween toys out there, but handing out glow in the dark vampire teeth, goofy tattoos, bubbles, or spider rings ensures that you're the house on the block kids will remember.
If you live in a neighborhood, handing out pre-cracked glow sticks is not only fun, but is a safety measure for visibility as your kids walk the dark streets.
Making up a treat bag with a toy, chips and a small apple or juice box is a good way to be 'fun' while avoiding the mounds of sugar as well.
Raisins have a bad rep, but I loved getting them. They're sickly sweet but no added sugar.
A pack of sugar-free chewing gum will last a long time for the child you give it to, just also read the package for artificial sweeteners like sucralose and aspartame, which are harmful to your body over time.
If you really want the chocolate stuff to be part of Halloween, make the effort to find locally made or fair-trade products.
If you want to avoid food all together, you can join the Books for Treats movement to give out gently used children's books instead of candy. Ask friends and family if they're getting rid of any kids books or pre-teen novels, or even go to Garage sales and Value Village through the year and pick some small appropriate ones.
On Halloween organize them into boxes by age and let the kids choose their own book when they come to the door.
http://booksfortreats.org/ - for more information.
Homemade goods have become frowned upon to hand out at your door due to food allergies and the crazies in the world, but you can make then for your family and friends. Host a Halloween party for your kids and friends instead of going trick or treating and serve home made treats instead of setting out bowls of candy.
Make personal pizzas and decorate them into a spooky face before you bake.
Have olive 'eye balls' to snack on.
Make your own cookies or muffins and ice with plain or strawberry cream cheese.
Have carrot or cheese 'fingers' and serve them with creepy green guacamole.
I've seen pictures of "boo-nanas" being posted - half banana with chocolate/carob chip eyes and mouth stuck in.
Do Halloween crafts with your kids and make them just as, if not more, fun that the food treats.
Research and talk about the historical origins of All Hallows' Eve, to enforce that this holiday exists for a reason other than treats.
If you think your kid will balk at the idea of not being able to collect and eat their fill of candy the night of Halloween, keep in mind who their role models are. You can set an example of a 'one-a-day' treat, or alternatives to them.
If "That's what Halloween is!" at your house, then let them pick their favourites (healthiest ones?) out of the mix and encourage them to leave the rest for the Switch Witch, who will come late Halloween night to exchange the rest of their candy for a kick-ass toy.
In a time of obesity, mis-diagnosed ADD and increased awareness of food allergies, make the effort to turn 'Candy Day' back in to 'Halloween'.
My mom has always rolled her eyes and said she hates all the the candy nonsense, and obviously when you're a kid you don't get it, but we also weren't bombarded with it in our house.
Being an adult now you 'get it' a bit more. You see the Halloween candy before Thanksgiving has even arrived. The grocery store aisles are almost literally piled to the ceiling with boxes and boxes of assorted chocolate bars from competing companies.
I can't pretend to imagine what it's like to have a kid who is allergic to peanuts in among all the fine print, but I do know what avoiding gluten and egg is like. And most everything contains gluten. Plus my adverse reactions to dairy that I usually ignore should be considered at this time of year, which nixes out pretty much everything but Skittles and Rockets.
Halloween parties at school were awkward because I knew I couldn't eat any of the stuff, but I wanted the stuff, and there was no other stuff, so I ate it anyway. I'm so thankful now that schools are taking food allergies and nutrition seriously and not handing out treats as rewards as was common when I was a kid.
I like having treats at Halloween, but eventually you have to ask yourself: Is it the candy or the holiday you love more?
If it's really the holiday, then there are LOADS of things to do that don't involve the sweets.
It it's the candy you're in it for, there are also lots of things you can do to cut down on the sugar content in your house, especially for the kids.
My treat bags this year consist of glow sticks, a pencil, potato chips and organic jelly beans.
Adults tend to roll their eyes at the Halloween toys out there, but handing out glow in the dark vampire teeth, goofy tattoos, bubbles, or spider rings ensures that you're the house on the block kids will remember.
If you live in a neighborhood, handing out pre-cracked glow sticks is not only fun, but is a safety measure for visibility as your kids walk the dark streets.
Making up a treat bag with a toy, chips and a small apple or juice box is a good way to be 'fun' while avoiding the mounds of sugar as well.
Raisins have a bad rep, but I loved getting them. They're sickly sweet but no added sugar.
A pack of sugar-free chewing gum will last a long time for the child you give it to, just also read the package for artificial sweeteners like sucralose and aspartame, which are harmful to your body over time.
If you really want the chocolate stuff to be part of Halloween, make the effort to find locally made or fair-trade products.
If you want to avoid food all together, you can join the Books for Treats movement to give out gently used children's books instead of candy. Ask friends and family if they're getting rid of any kids books or pre-teen novels, or even go to Garage sales and Value Village through the year and pick some small appropriate ones.
On Halloween organize them into boxes by age and let the kids choose their own book when they come to the door.
http://booksfortreats.org/ - for more information.
Homemade goods have become frowned upon to hand out at your door due to food allergies and the crazies in the world, but you can make then for your family and friends. Host a Halloween party for your kids and friends instead of going trick or treating and serve home made treats instead of setting out bowls of candy.
Make personal pizzas and decorate them into a spooky face before you bake.
Have olive 'eye balls' to snack on.
Make your own cookies or muffins and ice with plain or strawberry cream cheese.
Have carrot or cheese 'fingers' and serve them with creepy green guacamole.
I've seen pictures of "boo-nanas" being posted - half banana with chocolate/carob chip eyes and mouth stuck in.
Do Halloween crafts with your kids and make them just as, if not more, fun that the food treats.
Research and talk about the historical origins of All Hallows' Eve, to enforce that this holiday exists for a reason other than treats.
If you think your kid will balk at the idea of not being able to collect and eat their fill of candy the night of Halloween, keep in mind who their role models are. You can set an example of a 'one-a-day' treat, or alternatives to them.
If "That's what Halloween is!" at your house, then let them pick their favourites (healthiest ones?) out of the mix and encourage them to leave the rest for the Switch Witch, who will come late Halloween night to exchange the rest of their candy for a kick-ass toy.
In a time of obesity, mis-diagnosed ADD and increased awareness of food allergies, make the effort to turn 'Candy Day' back in to 'Halloween'.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Mommy Mantras
All together now.... repeat after me...
1. I'm not the only one.
2. It's a phase.
3. They'll do it when they're ready.
4. However bad it seems, someone has it worse.
5. Trust your instincts.
1. I'm not the only one.
2. It's a phase.
3. They'll do it when they're ready.
4. However bad it seems, someone has it worse.
5. Trust your instincts.
Monday, September 30, 2013
School....*sigh*
It's hard when parents have a certain vision for their child, and the child has very different plans. it seems the more a parent wants their kid to be a doctor, or a lawyer, or be on the football team, or win the cheer-leading championship, or enjoy kindergarten... the more they retaliate against you.
Toby only has school every other day. He was nervous, and I knew that, but I kept talking about all the positive fun things that would happen at school. I've seen in the past that if you start labeling too many emotions, like being nervous or sad or scared, the more he thinks 'oh, is that how I'm supposed to feel about this?' and it makes it worse.
It doesn't help that the month before school we were stopped by everyone we knew and asked if we were excited for school. Toby would hang his head as per usual and I would say something like 'Yeah it sounds like it should be fun' and then I would get comments over his head like "I remember liking kindergarten, but oh did I hate grade 3. I had a horrible teacher" or "The adjustment's pretty tough, it's hard to be away from mom for so long" or "The bus ride sounds long, that sucks that it comes so early."
Toby can hear you. Toby can hear everything you're saying and he remembers everything that people say. And I'm not blaming these comments, but it just all piles up in my head as another thing I have to counteract with positivity.
Wonder of wonders, he got on the bus the first day.
Wonder of wonders, he did it four days.
Everyday he was nervous, but went out the door. Everyday he came home and cried for an hour. All I could do was sit and hold him and say nothing. I understand that he doesn't like driving. I understand that it's a long day away from home (not away from 'mom' because he's used to staying home with my mom while I'm at work, etc.)
Then Toby got sick. We stayed home for a week getting over the flu. And then I think it clicked in his head that "I got to stay home on a school day".
This past week has been....difficult.
We woke up last Monday and he immediately started saying he didn't think he was ok to go to school. The morning got worse. The bus went by. I had to go to work. Toby stayed home.
Wednesday was the same, however I didn't have to go to work so I got to talk to him better. He crawled in bed with me and curled up in my arms and said he couldn't go to school. I asked him why. He said he didn't feel well. I had seen him at play the last few days and knew full well he wasn't sick so I asked him what was really bothering him and to please tell me so I could help.
He was quiet for a very long time and then very quietly said that there to too many kids at school and it was too loud.
We talked about it for a while and how I could ask his teacher to give him a quiet space to go if he needed it, but he was learning so much at school that we don't get to do at home so it would be good to try to go and I would drive him in but it would be good to take the bus home so his friends on the bus could see him. He shrugged and said he "wasn't really interested in talking to them".
He didn't go that morning, and I carried on my jobs and kept telling him I was still going to do my work because he was supposed to be at school. He very merrily went downstairs on his own and started practicing numbers himself on a number board we have. He made me a treasure hunt where he had written letters on 'clues' around the house.
Like he somehow knew the he'd better do some 'school' things even if he wasn't going.
I finally convinced him to go at lunch break and we got to the school and he wandered away to the school yard to find his friend from class. I picked him up at the end of the day and was met with an emotional mess again, but I had a note from his teacher saying he had a good day.
This is where it's hard...because I know he's learning things at school, and he has a friend who is very very similar to him. But the before-and-after nightmare that I have to deal with is emotionally exhausting.
I don't want him to stay home. I don't want to home-school. But I don't want school to be a punishment. I don't want the punishment for anxiety to be more anxiety.
There are some kids who kick up a fuss and say they hate school but it's all verbal, and they usually still end up putting clothes on and going out the door. Maybe they cry at goodbyes, but at the end of the day they don't have enough words for all the fun things they got to do that day.
Toby is just...sad. He just shuts down. And at the start of the day if I were to force clothes on him and throw him out the door he would have his clothes off as fast as I put them on. If I could even get near enough to get his pajamas off in he first place.
He's not jumping up and down and whining that he hates school... He's talking to me about it. We have a discussion. He tells me that he doesn't find it exciting. He tells me that it's too busy. And I have to respect that I guess, otherwise he'll never want to tell me anything hard again.
I don't want to 'lower my expectations' of him. But I maybe need to change them.
He's smart. He's really smart and loves learning. And I don't want school to make him hate learning. He can write all his letters and when he asks me how to spell a word I give him the sounds and make him figure out the letters on his own. He can sound words out on his own, although when you flat-out ask him to show you he gets all self-conscious and usually won't.
He can count. He can cut paper. He can draw. He's imaginative. He's good at building and balancing things that you would never think would work. He likes showing people things he's done.
This morning he said he'd try going to school at lunch, and then proceeded to merrily show Anthony all the letters he knows how to write and the 'Letter Train' that was sent home for him to work on. He can do the work. I think maybe it's just overwhelming to have it all taught to you at once with other kids around.
After talking a lot to my mom I think we've decided to (within reason) let him decide when he goes. If he misses a day and he's not sick, we'll go up to the school anyway to find out what they did in class. If I can convince him to go at some point during the day, an hour is better than nothing. Maybe he's just not ready. He developed at everything late, except talking. Maybe he just needs more time. And I'll just hope that he hasn't been scared off of school all together.
If we run into you in the next while, please don't ask how school's going. I don't want to lie and say IT'S GREAT while Toby hangs his head. And I don't want to sigh and quietly mutter something about 'challenges' because it furthers reinforced to Toby that he's a 'problem'.
As with everything in his life, it seems, you have to wait until he decided he wants to talk about it, and all you can do is respond enthusiastically.
This is either the rough beginning to a great adventure, or the quiet beginning to a very rough adventure.... I suppose only time will tell.
Toby only has school every other day. He was nervous, and I knew that, but I kept talking about all the positive fun things that would happen at school. I've seen in the past that if you start labeling too many emotions, like being nervous or sad or scared, the more he thinks 'oh, is that how I'm supposed to feel about this?' and it makes it worse.
It doesn't help that the month before school we were stopped by everyone we knew and asked if we were excited for school. Toby would hang his head as per usual and I would say something like 'Yeah it sounds like it should be fun' and then I would get comments over his head like "I remember liking kindergarten, but oh did I hate grade 3. I had a horrible teacher" or "The adjustment's pretty tough, it's hard to be away from mom for so long" or "The bus ride sounds long, that sucks that it comes so early."
Toby can hear you. Toby can hear everything you're saying and he remembers everything that people say. And I'm not blaming these comments, but it just all piles up in my head as another thing I have to counteract with positivity.
Wonder of wonders, he got on the bus the first day.
Wonder of wonders, he did it four days.
Everyday he was nervous, but went out the door. Everyday he came home and cried for an hour. All I could do was sit and hold him and say nothing. I understand that he doesn't like driving. I understand that it's a long day away from home (not away from 'mom' because he's used to staying home with my mom while I'm at work, etc.)
Then Toby got sick. We stayed home for a week getting over the flu. And then I think it clicked in his head that "I got to stay home on a school day".
This past week has been....difficult.
We woke up last Monday and he immediately started saying he didn't think he was ok to go to school. The morning got worse. The bus went by. I had to go to work. Toby stayed home.
Wednesday was the same, however I didn't have to go to work so I got to talk to him better. He crawled in bed with me and curled up in my arms and said he couldn't go to school. I asked him why. He said he didn't feel well. I had seen him at play the last few days and knew full well he wasn't sick so I asked him what was really bothering him and to please tell me so I could help.
He was quiet for a very long time and then very quietly said that there to too many kids at school and it was too loud.
We talked about it for a while and how I could ask his teacher to give him a quiet space to go if he needed it, but he was learning so much at school that we don't get to do at home so it would be good to try to go and I would drive him in but it would be good to take the bus home so his friends on the bus could see him. He shrugged and said he "wasn't really interested in talking to them".
He didn't go that morning, and I carried on my jobs and kept telling him I was still going to do my work because he was supposed to be at school. He very merrily went downstairs on his own and started practicing numbers himself on a number board we have. He made me a treasure hunt where he had written letters on 'clues' around the house.
Like he somehow knew the he'd better do some 'school' things even if he wasn't going.
I finally convinced him to go at lunch break and we got to the school and he wandered away to the school yard to find his friend from class. I picked him up at the end of the day and was met with an emotional mess again, but I had a note from his teacher saying he had a good day.
This is where it's hard...because I know he's learning things at school, and he has a friend who is very very similar to him. But the before-and-after nightmare that I have to deal with is emotionally exhausting.
I don't want him to stay home. I don't want to home-school. But I don't want school to be a punishment. I don't want the punishment for anxiety to be more anxiety.
There are some kids who kick up a fuss and say they hate school but it's all verbal, and they usually still end up putting clothes on and going out the door. Maybe they cry at goodbyes, but at the end of the day they don't have enough words for all the fun things they got to do that day.
Toby is just...sad. He just shuts down. And at the start of the day if I were to force clothes on him and throw him out the door he would have his clothes off as fast as I put them on. If I could even get near enough to get his pajamas off in he first place.
He's not jumping up and down and whining that he hates school... He's talking to me about it. We have a discussion. He tells me that he doesn't find it exciting. He tells me that it's too busy. And I have to respect that I guess, otherwise he'll never want to tell me anything hard again.
I don't want to 'lower my expectations' of him. But I maybe need to change them.
He's smart. He's really smart and loves learning. And I don't want school to make him hate learning. He can write all his letters and when he asks me how to spell a word I give him the sounds and make him figure out the letters on his own. He can sound words out on his own, although when you flat-out ask him to show you he gets all self-conscious and usually won't.
He can count. He can cut paper. He can draw. He's imaginative. He's good at building and balancing things that you would never think would work. He likes showing people things he's done.
This morning he said he'd try going to school at lunch, and then proceeded to merrily show Anthony all the letters he knows how to write and the 'Letter Train' that was sent home for him to work on. He can do the work. I think maybe it's just overwhelming to have it all taught to you at once with other kids around.
After talking a lot to my mom I think we've decided to (within reason) let him decide when he goes. If he misses a day and he's not sick, we'll go up to the school anyway to find out what they did in class. If I can convince him to go at some point during the day, an hour is better than nothing. Maybe he's just not ready. He developed at everything late, except talking. Maybe he just needs more time. And I'll just hope that he hasn't been scared off of school all together.
If we run into you in the next while, please don't ask how school's going. I don't want to lie and say IT'S GREAT while Toby hangs his head. And I don't want to sigh and quietly mutter something about 'challenges' because it furthers reinforced to Toby that he's a 'problem'.
As with everything in his life, it seems, you have to wait until he decided he wants to talk about it, and all you can do is respond enthusiastically.
This is either the rough beginning to a great adventure, or the quiet beginning to a very rough adventure.... I suppose only time will tell.
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