While scrolling down my facebook news feed I came across this quote:
"Just because you have kids shouldn't mean you have to give up the party lifestyle. It should mean you WANT to."
I just stopped scrolling and stared for several minutes at it.
Lately I've been having a lot of trouble with almost exactly that.
It's not like I ever really lead a partying lifestyle...I went out in college but it certainly wasn't every week. But I LIKED it. I liked going and just dancing like a fool in a room of hundreds of people and just not caring at all. I liked going to a friends house on a whim and not waiting to make sure I could fit it into my schedule.
I feel like I wasn't quite 'over' that stage when I had Toby.
I wanted to embrace motherhood with open arms and feel the excitement everyone talked about. I didn't. I really really wanted to.
And now I just feel like a teenager still; living in my parent's house, single again, not working regularly..
There is a fine line between knowing you HAVE to stay home to WANTING to stay home.
I want to not want that life back. But I guess it's the last time I was truly happy with myself. And so maybe subconciously I just want to feel that confident again.
Toby makes me happy and all, but there's a huge empty void in my life that keeps creeping in on me.
Do I need a relationship? Do I really want one or am I just believing that? Is it better to just be happy that things are quiet right now?
I feel like in order to stop wishing I could go out at night, I need to have company here in the evening. I feel like I"m missing out on 'real' family time.
But rushing in to that, or wanting that constantly, isn't good either.
Babbling late at night makes me sleepy...
I tell Toby I love him like 50 times a day. I'm sure he's sick of hearing it because he's started going "No mommy DOESN'T love Toby" and then laughing and running away.
And part of me just wants to love him like this forever and part of me can't wait until he's old enough for school so I can have some sort of a life back.
I"m sure this is a normal mom thing?? maybe??
Maybe I just need to go to bed and stop thinking..lol...