Sunday, June 19, 2011

Midnight Musings

While scrolling down my facebook news feed I came across this quote:

"Just because you have kids shouldn't mean you have to give up the party lifestyle. It should mean you WANT to."

I just stopped scrolling and stared for several minutes at it.
Lately I've been having a lot of trouble with almost exactly that.

It's not like I ever really lead a partying lifestyle...I went out in college but it certainly wasn't every week. But I LIKED it. I liked going and just dancing like a fool in a room of hundreds of people and just not caring at all. I liked going to a friends house on a whim and not waiting to make sure I could fit it into my schedule.

I feel like I wasn't quite 'over' that stage when I had Toby.
I wanted to embrace motherhood with open arms and feel the excitement everyone talked about. I didn't. I really really wanted to.
And now I just feel like a teenager still; living in my parent's house, single again, not working regularly..

There is a fine line between knowing you HAVE to stay home to WANTING to stay home.

I want to not want that life back. But I guess it's the last time I was truly happy with myself. And so maybe subconciously I just want to feel that confident again.
Toby makes me happy and all, but there's a huge empty void in my life that keeps creeping in on me.
Do I need a relationship? Do I really want one or am I just believing that? Is it better to just be happy that things are quiet right now?
I feel like in order to stop wishing I could go out at night, I need to have company here in the evening. I feel like I"m missing out on 'real' family time.
But rushing in to that, or wanting that constantly, isn't good either.

Babbling late at night makes me sleepy...

I tell Toby I love him like 50 times a day. I'm sure he's sick of hearing it because he's started going "No mommy DOESN'T love Toby" and then laughing and running away.
And part of me just wants to love him like this forever and part of me can't wait until he's old enough for school so I can have some sort of a life back.

I"m sure this is a normal mom thing?? maybe??

Maybe I just need to go to bed and stop

1 comment:

  1. When I became a step-mom to a 3 year old I raged against the loss of freedom for ages, to the point where I wasn't as good a parent as I could have been, looking back. It honestly took me close to 3 years to really feel ok with it, and I wasn't a better parent until I had my own child. It didn't help that I had no friends in my life with kids that were the same age and stage as me. I felt isolated and alone and STUCK because you can't just up and leave when a kid is involved. I still have trouble with it sometimes, but she's now 10, and wow... does it ever make a difference in her life that I'm around. I see it everyday, that even though she's not biologically mine, she's totally my daughter. I'm telling you this because I can tell you from experience that getting through the loneliness, and the temper tantrums, and the nights when you lie awake wondering what kind of idiot you are... it's incredibly hard and feels like it doesn't mean anything at the time, but it really does! It means everything to both you and Toby, and you both will come out as better people for it. I look back now and there are things I would change, but giving up that life was 110% worth it for her, and for me, because I'm way more awesome because she was in my life.