Fear of Commitment

I don't think I've always had a fear of commitment. Not just in relationships, but in everyday decisions.
 If I order something at a restaurant, and then think I might change my mind, I don't call the waitress back and bother them to change my order... I live with the decision I made.
I haven't had a lot of true relationships with guys in my life but, however 'high school' the relationship was, it usually lasted close to a year.
I've always known I wanted to be with someone and get married and own a home.
Ever since that was pulled away from me I've denied that I've had commitment issues. I kept saying that I just wasn't ready to let it go.
But now, even though I feel I've moved past a lot of feelings, I still find that I push people away unnecessarily. I'll look forward to meeting someone, have a lovely conversation, and then on the drive home I pick out all the things that were wrong with them and decide that I can't live with them for the rest of my life. Sometimes it's justified. Other times I feel like it's a defense mechanism.
Usually it's stupid things like 'They like different music than I do', 'I didn't get to read a menu because they kept talking to me', 'He was an inch shorter than I thought he'd be'.
Other times they loudly voice opinions on parenting techniques and give me 'advice'.....no thanks.

Is it a fear of commitment, or just a matter of not finding someone I click with? Shouldn't I give people more of a chance?

Commitments at home aren't going well either. I think I do pretty well to stick to my guns as far as discipline strategies, but the thing I can't stand that Toby still does is nurse to sleep. I'm getting to the point where I greatly dislike breastfeeding. It hurts my back and my neck and my shoulders to lie beside him in bed when he  takes half an hour to decide if he wants to sleep or not. I've said on several occasions in the last year that I don't like doing it and that he can hold my hand and cuddle, or i can leave him alone to sleep by himself.
It just results in a lot of screaming instead of sleeping. On both parts. From the beginning I've always rathered him to be comforted to sleep rather than lie there and cry. I tried to ignore him on a couple of occasions, and he just wakes himself up more instead of wearing himself out and then takes twice as long for me to calm him down again. Now that he's old enough for words he just screams for me to come back and that he please please just wants to nurse, and if he really isn't happy he just gets out of bed and runs away.

And so is it a fear of traumatizing my son for bedtime, or a fear of committing to what I say I'll do?

I've been saying I'm going to start a business for ages, but then I can't commit to it because, like, what if it's successful? Then I'll have to, like, keep up with it.

I can't even commit to going to bed when I say I"m going to... I got out of bed to turn my computer off... and there I am an hour later typing my brains out lol.

Ok... NOW I'm going to bed.... maybe....

Allergies

I have always wanted to know what it's like to live food-allergy free. To go grocery shopping without reading the label of every item you pick up.... and then dissapointingly put it back down. To go to a restaurant and not have to try and guess what might be in things before you make an order...
I grew up in a household of food allergies, so i'm used to it. I have a dairy intolerance - If I have dairy products too often I get high anxiety and my immune system drops out so I usually get a wicked cold at the end of a week of 'cheating'. My mom can't have gluten or rice or dairy (ie 90% of the stuff in a grocery store) So i grew up with home baking with weird types of flour. My sister has a gluten intolerance, but other than that can eat pretty much anything. My dad is supposedly sensitive to dairy, but he'd be the last to admit it lol.

All that is fine enough... I"m used to it... I wish it was different, but it's not like peanut butter where I stop breathing or something, so i cheat the odd time, or go overboard and regret it... but i'm used to it.

But being used to it doesn't really mean I"m happy about it. And so during my entire pregnancy I kept hoping and praying that Toby would be allergy free. I wanted him to be able to eat real food. Personally, I wanted to eat real food, because replacement foods are really expensive.

But at around three months of age the problems started.
As I've said before, Toby has never been one to sleep well. When he was young  he'd have screaming fits in the evening before finally wearing himself out, but then still waking and screaming 6-8 times during the night.
I looked up some stuff on the internet about screaming babies and found a lot of foods that were reccomended that breastfeeding moms not eat because babies with sensitive tummies get really bad aches.
I cut out broccoli, citrus, chocolate and onions. It doesn't seem like much, but it was just after Christmas and i had been eating a lot of chocolate and oranges and drinking orange juice, and as I later discovered there is either dehydrated onion or onion powder in EVERYTHING.
So the screaming got slightly better, but he still didn't like sleep.
Then the rash started.
A small spot on his belly... a few behind his knee... then some on his ankles....the whole underside of his arm... more spots on his belly... all over his neck.....

This is 6 months old... you can see the spots on his tummy and some on his legs.... the scratch on his head is from him raking at his face all night with his nails.

I had asked my doctor several times what to do and he just told me it was childhood eczema and to put cream on it to keep Toby from scratching.
But the itch wasn't the point.... the point was that it kept spreading and no matter how much cream I put on, it didn't go away. I wanted to know what was causing it. I kept telling myself that maybe I was overreacting, Maybe it was just sensitive skin like most babies have. But in the back of my head that nagging little voice said 'It's a food allergy.... he's got one... he's not going to get normal, easy food... you're doomed..."

I did a ton of research online about baby rashes. Most of them were not food related... the ones that were looked nothing like Toby's rash.
I found a list of common allergens in kids under 2, so I started cutting things out of my diet to see if it helped. I already wasn't consuming dairy, and I cut gluten out as well. It didn't seem to do anything...but it takes two weeks for a food to completely leave your system, and another week for Toby to feel better and then after that if the rash heals then I would be considered right. But that was a month. A month of not knowing if what I was doing WAS right and another month of the rash possibly getting worse.
So I cut out more all at once, including the stuff I had cut out because of assumed acid reflux.
No dairy, gluten, egg, corn, chocolate, onion, garlic, broccoli, strawberries, peanut butter or citrus. I also cut down on red meat.
Go read some labels in your pantry. I bet at least one of those things is in almost everything there.
I very quickly had to research vegan and vegetarian diets to figure out how to get enough proteins. I shopped a lot at farmers markets. Ate a lot of chicken and rice and peas.
Changing your diet THAT drastically is NOT recommended.... which I didn't find out until well into the change.... I felt the healthiest I'd felt in a LONG time, but I lost a lot of weight as a result. And if you've seen me, you know there's not much to lose. Plus I had a frequently breastfeeding baby sucking half the nutrients out of my body.
Months went by. I kept a nauseatingly detailed food journal. I started taking photos of his rash in progression. I started seeing a Naturopath. I started Toby on homeopathic supplements. I was incredibly anal about what he was allowed to eat when he started eating solid foods.

Rash pictures

Nothing I did made much difference. Some days his rash seemed fine. A few days later it flared up and I had no idea what I had eaten. I thought maybe it took two days for a reaction to show up so I kept waiting on suspicious foods to react, but never did. I was starting to give up. I told myself again that I was over reacting. I told myself again that it was just eczema.
But somehow I knew it was more than that... the rash changed to frequently.... it never went away.

Finally I figured it was either strawberries or egg.... or corn.... maybe....

He was eating a lot of different solid foods and didn't seem particularly better or worse. So one day, when Toby was 15 months old, I said screw it, here's an egg.
I gave him half a hard boiled egg yolk... he LOVED it....he wanted more but I said no, but then gave him half a banana muffin made by grandma (with egg in it obviously, but no gluten).

This is what happened

Well ok then.... I guess Toby is allergic to egg.
But I had cut out egg already right???
I went back and read my food journals. I re-read all the labels of the food I had.
Turns out I cheated a couple times and had a small piece of pie with 'possibly traces of egg' and the gluten free bread I had found and was all excited because it was delicious contained 'traces of egg'.
That's it.
That was enough.
I strictly cut out everything that even had the remotest chance of containing something that may have come into contact with an egg as some point in it's existence.

One week later.

Toby now has a small spot on his collar bone that flares up once in a while if I happen to eat a piece of cake or muffin or something. Once in a small while he'll ask for a piece of the cookie i'm trying to sneak behind his back, and i'll give him some, and the next day the spot on his neck is red.
I keep hoping he'll grow out of it. Some people say kids do by age 5. But I'm not sure if I want to believe that and get my hopes up. He can only eat baked goods if I make them with a powdered egg-replacer and I have a suspicion that gluten affects his mood, much the way dairy did with me when I was young. So I've been doing a lot of experimenting with gluten-free/vegan recepies.
But I have to say.... It's broadened my kitchen skills. It's broadened my culinary imagination.
Being forced to be creative in the kitchen has allowed me to have some fun with cooking and rediscover my love for food.
It's inspired me to want to take a chef training course once Toby's in school.
It's inspired me to want to open a vegan cafe and have a portion of the goods also be gluten-free.

Food allergies can be so restricting...But there a lot of people who CHOOSE to eat that way for better health, or political reasons, it doesn't matter....And as with anything the world has become more accepting of people who choose to follow different diets and the food industry is slowly increasing it's answer to the call for more 'food substitute' choices.
Maybe I can raise Toby to be one of the one's who answers.

Rights are rights. Love is love.

I just finished watching the livestream of the NY Senate voting on the Marriage Equality Act of 2011.

A lot of the Senators who chose to explain their votes said that this had been a 'difficult decision' and a 'struggle' to get through all of this.

And I find myself thinking.... why?
Why is it so difficult to just allow people to love.
Why is it so difficult to cast a vote giving people FREEDOM in a 'FREE' country.

And was this really not foreseen??

*ahem*
-Women become 'people' and get the right to vote, starting in New Zealand in 1893. Before that Women were 'seen and not heard'. Now look at where we are.
-The African-American Civil Rights movement starting with little old Rosa Parks on a bus in 1955 and leading to the passing of the Voting Rights Act in 1965 and the continued de-segregation of schools. Before this black people were enslaved and looked down upon solely for their skin colour.
- July 20 2005, Canada becomes the 4th country in the world and the first of the Americas to legalize gay marriage nationwide. Before this the LGBT community was treated as a sub-society group of people with very little rights afforded to them if they wanted to start a family. Only a few of the provinces had allowed same-sex marriage before this.

- June 24 2011 - NY senate vote passed to allow same-sex marriage, joining the states of Massachusetts, Iowa, Connecticut, New Hampshire, Vermont, plus Washington D.C.

...Isn't history just telling us over and over that we are all equal?

I am SO thankful to be living in a country like Canada where the people of the country are heard and get an opinion.
I am thankful that my son will grow up in a country of acceptance, tolerance, integration and love.
You know the way we feel when we look back on the right-fights of women and of African-Americans?...Like "How was that even possible? Why were they treated so differently?"...
I hope that Toby feels that way when he looks back on the continued fight for the rights on the LGBT community.... "How was that even possible? Why were they treated so differently?"...
I hope that Toby grows to learn to appreciate where we live and what our country stands for,
I hope that Toby learns to love and accept everyone, no matter who they are, what they believe, what they look like, or who the love.
I hope that, if Toby is gay, that he will have the continued freedom to love who he wants to love without judgement or question... and maybe by that time there will be far less anti-gay bullying... or maybe it will be gone altogether.

~A world where women get the vote?? Never.
~A world where Blacks are considered equals? Never.
~A world where gays can love openly? Never.

.....right?

...Rights

Brush Up

I have had THE hardest time trying to get Toby to brush his teeth...He has so many problems with them, I'm just so frusterated..

I always scoffed at the 'gum wipes' that they have for babies. My mom kept saying she didn't start brushing our teeth regularly til we were over a year. We started running a brush around Toby's mouth every few days and letting him hold it and chew a bit. Then we started doing it before naps and bed time to get used to doing it before sleep, and I let him 'brush' my teeth while I did his..

Then I started to notice his front teeth discolouring. I thought to myself that it was some food stuck in them a figured I'd get it out with the tooth brushing. Then I kept noticing it.
Then i tried scratching it off with my finger nail and realized that it was actually an indentation, not stuck-on food.

Then I panicked.

We have a naturopath-like dental hygienist and when I freaked out to her about Toby's teeth she said it didn't look all that bad and that things like that can happen with kids and that it seems like he has high acidity in his mouth (which I have) and so leftover food eats away faster.
She gave me a clay powder mix to put on his teeth and said to just keep and eye on it.

That was a year ago.

Now his teeth have grown and for every millimeter longer they get, there's now more room to decay.
They clay was working for a while... his teeth didn't look so stained and it didn't seem to be spreading. But little by little it seemed to get worse. There's no way to stop something like that, just slow it down I guess.
We started letting him brush his own teeth in a mirror as long as I got to finish.
That didn't work after a few nights.
So then I had to do a once-over and he was allowed to 'finish'.
But he just spends 15 minutes complaining about how he wants to do it and not me.
So then for a while it worked if Grampa brushed and Mommy put the clay on.
Then he started to reject the clay.
So then we stopped doing that daily and just tried getting him used to brushing.
But now his teeth hurt so much he fights will all he's got to not brush his teeth.
I've enlisted the help of songs and puppets.
Which worked for a week.
And now the novelty's worn off.

Tonight, what should have taken 30 seconds, took over 15 minutes.
He sits on his stool with  his head between his knees and just moans.
I asked him why he didn't like brushing his teeth.
He said it hurt.
I asked him to show me where it hurt.
He pointed to his throat.
I said that keeping his teeth clean would keep the germs from making his throat sore and that I hoped he wasn't getting sick.
He told me not to say that.
I asked if his mouth hurt.
He said it tickled.
I said if he just kept his mouth open and not tried to wiggle so much then the brush wouldn't keep catching on his mouth.
He put his head between his knees again and pretended not to hear me.

I've resorted to scraping plaque off his teeth with my thumbnail or a toothpick.

We're going to try to get an appointment for him again and he'll probably need major dental surgery.
I wanted to avoid that cause these teeth are going to fall out anyway, but if they rot out then his adult teeth will be messed up, and if he's in pain, the next two years are only going to get worse.

*le sigh*

*end rant*
*bed time*

Midnight Musings

While scrolling down my facebook news feed I came across this quote:

"Just because you have kids shouldn't mean you have to give up the party lifestyle. It should mean you WANT to."

I just stopped scrolling and stared for several minutes at it.
Lately I've been having a lot of trouble with almost exactly that.

It's not like I ever really lead a partying lifestyle...I went out in college but it certainly wasn't every week. But I LIKED it. I liked going and just dancing like a fool in a room of hundreds of people and just not caring at all. I liked going to a friends house on a whim and not waiting to make sure I could fit it into my schedule.

I feel like I wasn't quite 'over' that stage when I had Toby.
I wanted to embrace motherhood with open arms and feel the excitement everyone talked about. I didn't. I really really wanted to.
And now I just feel like a teenager still; living in my parent's house, single again, not working regularly..

There is a fine line between knowing you HAVE to stay home to WANTING to stay home.

I want to not want that life back. But I guess it's the last time I was truly happy with myself. And so maybe subconciously I just want to feel that confident again.
Toby makes me happy and all, but there's a huge empty void in my life that keeps creeping in on me.
Do I need a relationship? Do I really want one or am I just believing that? Is it better to just be happy that things are quiet right now?
I feel like in order to stop wishing I could go out at night, I need to have company here in the evening. I feel like I"m missing out on 'real' family time.
But rushing in to that, or wanting that constantly, isn't good either.

Babbling late at night makes me sleepy...

I tell Toby I love him like 50 times a day. I'm sure he's sick of hearing it because he's started going "No mommy DOESN'T love Toby" and then laughing and running away.
And part of me just wants to love him like this forever and part of me can't wait until he's old enough for school so I can have some sort of a life back.

I"m sure this is a normal mom thing?? maybe??

Maybe I just need to go to bed and stop thinking..lol...

Tractors, Trees and Thunderstorms

Boys must be born with an obsession for tractors and other heavy machinery.

My sister and I were raised in this same house with my farmer grandparents as neighbours. We have a huge vegetable garden and two tractors - a riding lawnmower, and a big one for blowing snow in the winter.

My sister and I both grew up watching Opa use the tractors and plant and harvest the garden year after year, but we never showed much interest. I had a small patch of garden that i grew radishes and flowers in when i was smaller, but it only lasted a few years. I think i wanted to mow the lawn once, but after running over a pine sapling i was too afraid to do it again.

But ever since Toby knew what a tractor was he's had this complete fixation with anything large and motorized.
He spent his whole 'one-year-old winter' watching Opa blow snow out of the driveway making BBBRRRRMMMMM sounds with his lips ad infinitum.

When the snow melted and Opa was cleaning out the flower beds infront of our house I thought it would be a laugh to seat Toby up on the tractor seat.

March 2010

Little did I know that this allowance would be a never ending game of  "Opa tacto?? Toby up-y"

May 2010

 June 2010

 Aug 2010 - not our tractor. Visiting a farm and trying to commandeer their farm equipment.

September 2010 - Finally deemed 'big enough' to ride in the trailer

October 2010 - Finally allowed to sit on the big tractor

 October 2010 - chillin with Chaos while Opa pulls potatoes

He can hear a tractor starting a mile away. He lives for harvesting season when we can drive down to road and see at least two combines on the way to town. He has a million tractor themed toys and books.

I can keep  him entertained by finding videos of tractors driving on youtube.

This one he watches over...and over... and over... exclaiming WOOOOOOOOOW Look at THAT! over and over

There are surprisingly more videos than one would have expected. Our 'TV time' consists mostly of either home movies of himself playing outside or tractor videos on the computer.

And to top that off, he loves digging in the garden and my Opa has been letting him help plant and pick things. 

We all think Toby's going to be a farmer or a heavy equipment operator.

Two years ago we started a tree farm. The three fields bordering our house are now filled with red pine, white pine, red oak and black walnut saplings. It's a constant source of entertainment for Toby to watch Opa mowing the grass up and down the rows of trees.
This spring we're replanting ones that have died or been mouse-eaten.
Toby is actually big enough to walk from one end of the field to the other, and so each time Opa disapears over the hill with the tractor, we follow him out with a shovel in tow so Toby can 'help' him.

Today 'help' consisted of baby-sitting the tractor, which he can now climb up all by himself.

                                          


But then he decided that digging would be a good idea, and so Opa put him to work. He actually did a really good job.

Thunderclouds moved in and it started to rain, but Toby  has never minded the rain and will in fact burst into a fit if i suggest that going out in the rain is maybe not a good idea when it's still cold weather. Needless to say, it took a long time and a lot of moping and whining to get him to walk back to the house with me. Even then it took an other half hour of playing in the sandbox, riding on the swing and tormenting the cats to finally get him to admit that it was lunch time and being out in a thunderstorm wasn't the best idea.

I just think that it's funny how different he is compared to my sister and I. He is truly his own person, and I find it fascinating that people growing up in virtually the same environment find interest in completely opposite things. Does it have to do with the fact he's a boy? Is it a genetic fascination from the other side of the family? What made farming such a highlight for him instead of, say, sports?
I realize he's not even three, and here I am analyzing his personality...

Anyways, I'm sure there are more changes to come from this fascinating little kid.... I guess I"ll just have to keep our video camera rolling.

Being sick sucks.
Having a sick baby sucks.
Both those things together royally blow.

It was one thing when Toby was a baby and I could sit infront of the TV the whole day or lay in bed and he would sleep most of the time and I'd get some reading done or whatever... but now he's a toddler. No, he's more than a toddler, he's a tornado. He's the energizer bunny. He doesn't know how to not do anything.
So fine, I can follow him around and blow my nose and hack into my thermos of hot tea and just let him play... but then he got sick too.
It started with the whining. Lots of it. I couldn't put him down for more than a minute, I couldn't leave the room, he wanted to nurse constantly. Great... he's getting sick...
Then he sneezed.
This is usually a normal occurance. He sneezes a lot. Several times a day. Always. I blame dust in our house but who knows. The week before we had been raking leaves outside and stirring up who knows what all kinds of dirt and mold from the winter.
But no, this sneeze left him with a far-away stare and glassy eyes and a thick yellow stream of goo on his face... which he immediately used his hand to wipe away... which he then used his other hand to try and wipe off.
So now it's 5 days later and the noses are still running and the deep bronchial coughs have set it. I"m sick of being sick.
And evidentially so is Toby.
He doesn't like being told what to do at the best of times....
But now that he's sick and there's so many other things he cant do... like dont get his face so close to the rug please... or keep you mitts on outside please... or no we can't dig in the flower bed today, I dont want to make our coughs worse.......He's developed a loud frequent used of the word 'NO'.

I"ve never been one to shout 'no' at him. I try to talk him down from whereever it is his mood had gone. If it persists or if he's doing someting dangerous I'll shout 'no'... but it's not as though I've been demonstrating this habit to him.

I don't even remember when it started... day 2 of the cold? day 3? But I"m about ready to throw something out a window.

"Toby can you put your socks back on please I dont want your feet to ge-'
"NO. NO. NOT. PUT. YOUR. SOCKS. BACK. ON"
"You're feet are like ice Toby i don't want-"
"NO" *kicks/screams/bursts into tears*

-----

"Have another drink of tea Toby it will help your-'
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

------

"Toby, honestly, if you don't stop kicking me I"m just going to turn the TV off and leave"
"NO. DONT. TURN. THE. TV. OFF. MOMMY."
"Don't yell at me Toby, I"m getting sick of it"
"NO. NOT. DONT. SAY. THAT. MOMMY"
"Alright see ya later *turn TV off and leave*"
"NOOOOOOO. NOOOOOO. TV BACK ON MOMMY."
"That's fine, but not until you calm down"
"TOBY. CALMED. DOWN. AL. RED. Y."
"yeah... ok..."

-----

'Toby we DO NOT hit the cats. If he's sleeping just walk around him"
"NO. DONT. HIT. THE. CATS."
"if you're going to spout rules back at me then please follow them."
"NO *holds finger up* NO. NO."

---

"Just close your eyes and relax ok... you need a nap to feel better"
"NO. TOBY CANT CLOSE HIS EYES WHEN THE SUN IS UP"
"... who told you that... or is that new logic you've come up with?"
"NO"
"i see..."

-----

....A small insight to the last three days.
Then last night he woke up in the middle of the night and asked to nurse. I was dead asleep and not awake and needed a minute. I pushed him back over to his bed so I could roll over.
"NO. NO. MOMMY. NURSE.ING."
" I know Toby.. i heard you... give me a sec"
"NO. NOT. ONE. SEC." A coughing fit ensued.
"That's good. cough it up. Here let me blow your nose, you're plugged u-"
"NO. NOT BLOW YOUR NOSE. *more coughing and gagging*"
"Please do not yell at me in the middle of the night. I know you're sick and miserable, but I feel the same way and i'm getting REALLY sick of you screaming at me all the time when all I"m doing is trying to help you feel better."

He pouted and nursed for 5 seconds.

"Mommy nursing other side."
"uuuung...Toby this side is fine. I"m so tir-"
"NO. OTHER. SIDE."
"calm down"
"NO"
"Dammit Toby it's the middle of the night just relax please"
"NO. NURSING OTHER SIDE"
"HERE"
"NO. OTHER SIDE"
"This IS the other side"
"NONONONONO OTHER SIDE"

I turned the light on.
"Look. Other side. Here. Nurse"
"NO. Nursing UP"
"That's the side you JUST had Toby, for pete's sake just go to sleep." I turned the light off and lay there with my shirt half off waiting for him to make up his mind. He settled for the 'down' side, cause i hadnt rolled over still. Then the nipple twisting started. I think I've complained about it before... his habit of wrapping my free nipple around his finger and pinching and digging his nails in, much the way a cat 'kneads' your leg when they're trying to get comfortable. I was pissed. I was not having any of it. I wrenched his hand off for the hundredth time that night. Toby screamed.
"NO. NO. NO."
"NO. NO, YOURSELF" I screamed "YOU DO NOT PINCH ME. YOU DO NOT YELL AT ME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. YOU DO NOT SCREAM 'NO' AT ME EVERY TIME I TRY TO HELP YOU"
Toby starts to cry, but quiets and keeps nursing. My throat now hurts again.
"mummy nursing up..."
"whatever Toby."

He crawled to a sitting position and leans his head up on my chest to nurse. I"ve been trying to discourage this because it kills my back, but at this point i just want to go back to sleep. I hugged him and coughed a few times. I felt him pat my tummy.
"poor mummy" he whispered.
I heaved a huge sigh and hugged him. I sniffed a few times and grumbled to myself and took a huge raggedy breath. Toby whipped around to look at me.
"Mommy, don't cry." He's never said that to be before.
"Toby i'm just so frusterated becasue I want you to get better and I"m trying to help you but I dont know what else to do. I feel the same as you. I know you're plugged up and hurting, but i'm the same and I need sleep too. I'm just scared you're cough is getting worse and i just need you to let me help you. I don't like being yelled at all the time, it's not nice for me to listen to and it doesn't get you what you want anyways. So I need you to please calm down. I need sleep Toby"

It took another hour of tossing and turning and nose blowing and grumbling but we both finally fell back asleep.

He seemed fine when he woke up this morning... he told me he pooped... so i said I'd change him...
"NO. NOT. CHANGE. YOUR. DIAPER."*bursts into tears*

I need a week to sleep.
I don't know what else to do.
I can keep up what I'm doing if i know this will all stop in a few days, but I'm really hoping this is not a new personality development.
I don't want him to get pneumonia.
I just want to do our normal day-to-day stuff without getting screamed at.
I know he's moody because I am too. I know he's plugged up and frusterated.
I am too.
Hopefully things get a bit better after nap time....