Thursday, January 27, 2011

Time Off

It's amazing how just one hour away from Toby makes me love him more.
Maybe that sounds like I don't love him all the time....but sometimes I just get so frustrated and that frustration can last for days.
If we go shopping with my mom and they go into one store and I go into another, I actually find myself excited to see him again.
If I get some time in the evening to come downstairs and work and I dont see Toby till bedtime, I enjoy cuddling in bed with him more.
If I'm really lucky and get to actually leave him here for the evening while I go out for dinner, I can't stop smelling his hair and kissing him when I get back.

I didn't always used to feel like this. When he was small it took me a LONG time to admit that I loved him because of all the bitterness towards the situation that i felt. I looked after him because I HAD to... it was a possessive instinct... but I didnt feel the gooey-on-the-inside love that people say you're supposed to feel.
He was well over a year before I could say to myself... Yes, I love him.
I actually started writing a book about it... I might post some chapters here eventually... It's a lot of incredibly personal stuff, so I'll have to see... Things that i wouldn't mind strangers reading, but feel slightly uncomfortable with people I know reading it lol.
I also read the book The Second Nine Months by Vicki Glembocki. Excellent book that kind of made me feel not alone in how I was feeling... kind of how I wanted my book to be, but mine was over a larger period of time, and hers is like a 10 month journal.

I think that, like with anything, it can take a long time to fall in love and it takes some absences to really appreciate what you have.
Time off is needed for sanity.
A walk around the block without toting an increasingly heavy baby or a hot bath without a toddler peering over the side asking if they can put toys in with you, can be the difference between a good day and a moody day.

1 comment:

  1. I feel the exact same way! You are definitely not alone :)